The deceitful face of hope and of despair

[firecat]

(T.S. Eliot)

I'm reproducing a comment I made in lovenadlight's journal, here:

I was desperate (in a depressed, "this life isn't worth living" way) over the summer because of a health condition. I managed to fix it, but I wouldn't say it was optional in the sense that it was about a story I was telling myself that I could change at will. I wasn't able to just snap out of it with application of the proper workshop or talk therapy. In fact, that was precisely why I knew it was a health condition, because I can usually change my mood at least a little bit by changing my way of thinking and/or my habitual behavior.

I did learn something from that, though, which I can apply now that I'm out of the desperation part: when desperate (which means "without hope,") go ahead and be desperate, and simply move one slow step at a time in a direction that looks like it'll be different from where you are now. Why not - you're without hope, so you have nothing important to lose.

Comments

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

When I'm in desperate mode, usually I can't see a direction that's better. Different is even difficult, because I get so focused on the emotional pain and the despair. And to be honest, that's one of the reasons I need meds for my depression, I can't see any way to get perspective and make everything not such a huge hairy freaking deal. Finding a direction when you're drowning in over reactions and continual emotional turmoil is impossible for me. Given the difference meds make for me, I can tell that mine is a health condition, because it makes me functional without changing my life in other ways.

Reading that thread, I'm almost never desperate within the "I need to be happy/satisfied/complete". I get desperate more in the depressed, down, pit-of-despair way. I quit doing the other a while back, when I realized that no one change is going to make me happy/satisfied/complete for more than a moment. I used to think losing a bunch of weight would fix my problems. Having a husband. Having a job. But none of that will make me "better". Only I can do that, from the inside. That was a hard lesson for me to learn.

Although I feel I need to learn new coping skills so that my stress doesn't make my depression worse. I had to have my meds increased about 3 weeks ago to deal with the stress I wasn't handling well.

[firecat]

Well said. I need meds for my depression too. Over the summer, the antidepression part of my meds stopped working, although the antianxiety part was still sort of working. So the direction I was plodding in was "toward figuring out whether any other meds or other treatments might make a difference." (Which, fortunately, some things did.)

Nothing will make me complete, but having certain things in my life on a regular basis tends to increase my satisfaction. It helps that so far there are a number of different ways for me to put together a satisfying mix, so I'm not dependent on one single thing that I might lose.

[treacle-well.livejournal.com]

Oh boy oh boy oh boy. You just described an awful lot of moments (with some moments lasting weeks at a time) I've had/ I have.

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

I'm down with that. Especially the "go ahead and be", which, as you know, Bob, I struggle with. Often. Publicly. Sometimes I wonder if I don't find it easier just to be with negative emotions than with positive.

Staring into the abyss (thanks to Graydon and assorted snigglers) a decade ago was really my first foray into (the eternal conflict between) being vs. doing. I think.

[firecat]

I find it easier to be with emotions in small doses than with lots of emotions. My ideal emotional mix is like one of those floating necklaces strung on clear nylon thread. Maybe 3/4 "clear" to 1/4 "strong feelings".

dobedobedo...