Parent–child relationships (Comment posted else-net)

[firecat]

"Some parents get really upset when their kids diverge from their headcanons about them."

A great deal of the difficulty in my relationship with my mother just dissolved away to nothing when I read this sentence.

My mother is gone so this difficulty has been living entirely in my head for ten years. I mean, I still have feelings about her having wanted me to be different, but there's something healing about interpreting her want that way. Because I know that, while headcanons can be very emotionally compelling, they're only in your head. They aren't a Great Truth of the Universe or a Moral Imperative.*

*except a couple of mine :D

Comments

[sasha_feather]

Oh how freeing and wonderful.

[kore]

Haaaa yes. I believe in some family systems? (not sure) therapy it's called the struggle over the narrative.

[lilacsigil]

Oh yes, when I realised my mother's issues with me where 99% about herself, our relationship got better! It had not been great since I suddenly got much taller and fatter than her aged 11, so that should have been a clue as to her daughter headcanon!

[sabotabby]

Oh. That makes a lot of sense, actually.

I couldn't explain this to my mother because she doesn't understand things like headcanons, but it explains things to me.

[lirazel]

Oh, that's good. Yeah.

[snippy]

Glad you found something useful with that. I figured out after her death that my mother wanted me to be my older brother (whom she'd been forced to give up for adoption shortly after his birth), and I wasn't that and never could be. Her grief over losing him prevented her seeing/appreciating me for who I was.

[silveradept]

That is an effective statement and very descriptive of a lot of conflict between parent and child.

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

That is a good way to frame it. Both my parents being dead a long time, I didn't have that, but I think it could apply to other relationships as well, i.e., Your head canon of me is different than my own.