firecat | Ways of dealing with various kinds of anger

Ways of dealing with various kinds of anger

http://sarahmichigan.livejournal.com/520259.html discusses so-called myths of pop psychology (as described in the book 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology: Shattering Widespread Misconceptions about Human Behavior by Scott O. Lilienfeld, Steven Jay Lynn, John Ruscio and Barry L. Beyerstein).

One of the myths discussed is "It's better to express anger to others than to hold it in." I haven't read the book, but

sarahmichigan sums up the book's viewpoint as "Expressing anger, whether verbally or by punching a pillow, generally makes you angrier and more aggressive."

I've done a lot of reading on emotion, some of it from a Buddhist perspective. I think the myth as stated is in fact a myth much of the time, but not always. So I left these comments.

I agree that "It's better to express anger to others than to hold it in" is a myth if it's stated as a universal fact. But I don't think that "It's better to hold anger in than to express it to others" is true either. I think it depends on context and on the individual.
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I'll have to read the original book to know more about the studies, but my guess is that experimental design was limited to making someone angry about something specific in the moment, and the studies did not test anger that builds up over time regarding long-term situations.

Also I wonder if any of the studies controlled for the level of physical arousal. Given a particular irritant, some people get more aroused than others.

Also I wonder if they studied the self-reported quality of the anger, as opposed to just the physical arousal symptoms.

When the myth is "it's better to vent than to hold it in," you have to define "better." Does this refer merely to how long the physical arousal lasts, or does it refer also to the internal sense of the quality of the arousal (how the person feels)?

If we're talking just physical arousal, then I agree ignoring it will make it go away faster. But ignoring it might also feel very painful/difficult while the arousal lasts. Whereas if you do something with the arousal, it might stick around longer, but the arousal might start to feel better internally.

For me, if my anger level (the physical arousal I feel) is "mild" or "moderate," and the anger is due to an immediate one-time irritant (as opposed to a repetitive irritant or a long-term situation) then it will dissipate quickly if I don't do anything. And since I mostly don't like feeling that low level of arousal, I tend to choose the method that will make it go away the fastest.

But if my physical arousal/anger is very strong, then suppressing my desire to do something physical feels really painful. The same applies if my physical arousal includes both anger and anxiety (which is often the case). I will still be aroused for a while if I do something physical (cry/scream/punch pillows/yell), and I might be aroused for longer, but the arousal doesn't feel as painful.

When I wrote "anger that builds up over time regarding long-term situations," I was thinking specifically of anger that develops out of repeated experiences of discrimination, oppression, or abuse. I think it's too simplistic to say that "holding in" these kinds of anger rather than retelling them to other people is "better."

sarahmichigan reported "[the authors] also mention that coupling anger with productive problem solving *can* be helpful." So political anger might be covered under that, if retelling the incidents is part of a strategy for addressing the problem.

What is your experience?

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1. Acknowledging anger is not always the same as expressing it.

2. Expression can take many forms. Writing a poem about your anger is expressing it. Dancing might express anger.

3. You don't have to express anger at the source or cause of your anger in order to be expressing it. Displacement is pretty common.

4. I sometimes have emotions that are...I think of them as my conscious/logical mind imposing an explanation on my physical symptoms. So if I am feeling (physically) the sensations that I associate with anger, my conscious pattern-seeking brain might interpret that as being angry and then seek something to be angry about, to justify the imposition of the label "anger" on how I am feeling. I try not to express things until I've at least tried to confirm that the emotional and physical feelings underlying the expression are somewhat accurate and justified. I don't consider this "stuffing" or denying my anger, but attempting to confirm that it's really anger before deciding what to do with it or about it. I might tell housemates or companions "I feel weirdly angry and I can't figure out why, but I'll let you know if I need something from you around it."

Hmm. I don't have strong physical reactions to my anger at all. About anything. I'm not sure where that fits in.

How do you tell that you're angry?

I get very sarcastic. Usually, I don't even voice the sarcasm. I just... think angry thoughts. The idea of needing a physical reaction to tell that I'm angry is frankly puzzling to me.

Yeah, I guess my personal definition of anger includes both negative thoughts and certain particular physical sensations (tension or rigidity somewhere in the body). If I have only one without the other, I don't "feel angry."

Although if I'm saying what I'm thinking, other people might well think I am angry.

I'm fairly... non-physical in my responses. It depends on the kind of anger: when I have the slow-burn kind of anger, it has no physical element at all.

Wow, I found her annoyingly smug: "I've found certain types of venting helpful in some circumstances" "You just THINK you find it helpful."

Yet from the articles she linked "empirical studies have shown that catharsis, when coupled by an active treatment component, is beneficial (Littrell, 1998) - namely, therapies that teach clients to find a new way to regard the emotion-eliciting stimuli"

EDIT: Missed on of the links. We also have "long term concealed anger can be quite destructive to the person".

Afaict "expressing" here specifically means expressing angrily, as opposed to, say, calmly talking about one's feelings or the source of anger with a goal of figuring out how to deal with them.

So yes, simple yelling/pushing pillows etc with no other purpose but catharsis isn't helpful, but that doesn't mean talking about what made you angry is always bad.

And there's no statistical difference (afaict) between "Most people overexpress anger and a minority under express, thus on average people should express anger less" and "Expressing anger is always bad". "Studies have shown this is generally beneficial" is not the same as "It has been conclusively be proven that this is the right thing for you to do right now".

Personally I've found it absolutely vital for me to get better at working through my anger so I can figure out what's making me angry and either do something about it or accept I can't. Like I am right now with her post!

Edited 2010-05-18 23:46 (UTC)

Well said.

Pop psych encourages smugness because there's this whole idea of "we know what's inside you better than you do." And books about myths encourage smugness because they encourage a sense of superiority: "Tsk, tsk, how can anyone believe these things?"

I would call this a myth: "Anger is a pressure that builds up and the only healthy way to address it is to vent the pressure." (Where "vent" means yell, hit things, and so on.) In other words, I don't believe in the pressure cooker metaphor of emotions.

I also don't believe in catharsis theory. I think reliving negative experiences in a safe space can feel good and can be part of a healing toolbox, but I don't think by itself it causes instant healing.

I like your phrase "working through," because it doesn't have the metaphorical implications of "venting" and so forth.

Yes, based on those articles I think catharsis and the "pressure cooker" are myths, but that doesn't mean ALL expressions of anger are bad.

I liked the discussion of mindfulness below.

I'm going to take another tack and come at this from the iterated-prisoner's-dilemma point of view. Even if expressing/venting/whatever has a[n apparently very narrowly-defined] negative effect for a single instance of anger, in the long run that's going to be swamped by the number of instances of anger a person has.

And I've found, at least sometimes, that expressing anger in the vicinity of the person whose actions (at least superficially) triggered the anger may significantly reduce the frequency of future triggering. (Sometimes because they stop doing that thing, sometimes because I can then internally write them off as unable to stop, doesn't really matter.)

(And of course this gets complicate six ways from sunday in the presence of offspring.)

sometimes because I can then internally write them off as unable to stop

Yeah, that's important.

If you don't express your anger at all, how is anything about what's making you angry ever going to change? Ô__o

I suppose you can say "I want this thing to change" in a very calm way... in my experience, that sometimes works, but not always.

The pressure cooker model has not worked well for me, and I've certainly had professionals (not just pop psych) pushing it at me in past. I've had a lot of anger to deal with, and am managing better these days, not letting it seethe and burn me up as much. Outbursts--even semi-controlled ones--only feed the fire, IME.

A more Buddhist (and Tsalagi, for that matter) approach has worked better, with mindfulness. Pay attention to the emotions, and what may be triggering them. Is there anything you can change about the situation, including discussing things and/or getting rid of some built-up resentments? Is this some kind of displacement? Recognize what's going on, and move on. Channel it into something else, if necessary. Letting it overwhelm you so that you have angry outbursts is more likely to make you feel worse afterward, IME. So is just brooding, which I've had a bad problem with.

Emotional regulation was something I really needed to learn anyway. And not viewing anger as some kind of "bad" external force liable to take you over (or build up and make you explode like a pressure cooker) has been a good step in that direction!

"...coupling anger with productive problem solving *can* be helpful." So political anger might be covered under that, if retelling the incidents is part of a strategy for addressing the problem.

This is one area in which I've continued to have trouble with building up frustration and resentments. Part of that is from learned helplessness, I suppose--what kind of productive action (much less direct action which will make a difference) can you take in some really entrenched situations? It can be hard to figure out anything, when there are very good reasons you're angry. But I definitely agree that channeling the anger into problem solving and some kind of productive action is a useful way to handle these situations. Even just saying "this is a truly messed-up situation, and I have no idea what to do to make it better" is better than seething. Where better is defined as "doing less harm, all around". :) That's one of the reasons I've been doing more political-type blogging. It may feel like I'm preaching to the social justice choir sometimes, but at least it may help someone else, while helping me express/work out some of my own frustrations.

Outbursts--even semi-controlled ones--only feed the fire, IME.

For me, expressing myself angrily once, or very briefly, does help. It helps me to acknowledge that my anger exists and to accept it, so in a strange way it's a tool of mindfulness.

This only applies to very strong anger; I can deal with mild to moderate anger by going directly to mindfulness. And I tend to be very emotionally controlled so I don't have a lot of strong anger; this might be why a physical expression works differently for me than for people who feel anger more easily.

what kind of productive action (much less direct action which will make a difference) can you take in some really entrenched situations?

I think that writing or talking to others about political/cultural conditions that you are angry about is productive. And I think that saying "I'm angry about this" is part of what's productive about it. I think that only saying "I'm angry" and never getting to "Can we do anything?" is inadequate though.

It helps me to acknowledge that my anger exists and to accept it, so in a strange way it's a tool of mindfulness.

That makes sense. I was initially thinking more in terms of the kind of shouting fit that doesn't help me, at least.

And I think that saying "I'm angry about this" is part of what's productive about it. I think that only saying "I'm angry" and never getting to "Can we do anything?" is inadequate though.

That's pretty close to the way I've been thinking about it. The "what might improve the situation?" part is important there.

It depends on who you express your anger to. Like, I'm not going to express my anger to my mother bc she'll just do her damnedest to invalidate it like she always does; and who doesn't put on a facade for co-workers? I'm prone to irritability, but I know that if I vent my spleen anytime and anywhere then there *will* be negative consequences.

Well, I don't think "expressing anger" necessarily means one has to be violently emotive. In fact, if that's not one of the myths, it really should be.

Saying, "I feel angry when *foo* happens," is expressing anger -- rather clearly and directly. In fact, I think it's quite a healthy way to communicate. So healthy, in fact, that if I need to throw things (or some equivalent) for my anger to be taken seriously, I find that I find a way to avoid interaction with the person who believes this is so. (I do not map "take seriously" to "behave the way I want", mind).

There's another issue. It's better to be aware that you are angry, than to be in denial to yourself. If you're angry, accept it, and let it go, then the anger has a better chance to fade. On the other hand, if you refuse to acknowledge your anger to both others as well as yourself, you can create a lot of ugly situations.

So it's better to express anger ("I am angry,") than to deny it.

My personal experience is that acting out by slamming doors, beating on things and screaming just makes me angrier and angrier. I remember getting lost on a college campus trying to visit a relative there, and swearing and pounding on my steering wheel and just getting angrier and angrier.

Usually for me, the way to dissipate my anger is to consciously decide to "let it go" because it's not doing me any good. This holds true with short-term annoyances and repeated annoyances. My husband and I have unresolved issues that frequently anger me over and over again. We sometimes talk rationally and try to resolve them, but sometimes, these things just never get solved, or they may dwindle for a while and then spike again during times of stress. Instead of expressing my anger, I find that trying to be sympathetic and turning it into compassion and remembering times I've really pissed him off help de-escalate my anger quickly and getting self-righteous about the unfairness is a sure-fire way to make me hold onto the anger.

For mild to moderate angry feelings, I do the same thing that you do. Probably about 90% of my angry feelings are mild to moderate.

For very strong angry feelings that come up occasionally for me, my personal experience is that it sometimes helps me if I scream/yell briefly, or hit something/stomp/slam a door once, or cry for a minute or two.

This helps for two reasons.

1. It lets me do something with the physical tension that is associated with anger for me. Sneezing would probably work just as well for that, but I can't sneeze on demand. :) If I can't do something physical, then I shake, and it feels to me like the shaking is more unpleasant and lasts longer (not making a scientific claim here).

2. For me, a physical expression of anger counts as self-acceptance and acknowledgement that there's something going on that I get to feel negative about. When I was growing up, it wasn't OK for me to have any feelings ever. So now if I slam a door it's a way of telling myself "I'm angry and it's OK to have these feelings about this situation; it doesn't mean I'm crazy or a bad person."

Once I've done that one thing, my frame of mind is usually "OK, I've acknowledged and accepted my anger, now let's deal with whatever is causing it, or let's go distract ourselves until the feelings dissipate."

I can understand the idea of letting yourself feel angry if you've been discouraged from showing feelings.

For me, I have a partner with a very different anger style than me. I get *really* tense and upset when someone expresses anger loudly or with slamming doors, punching objects etc.

He also held onto the myth that expressing his anger loudly helped him get rid of it, but I've been trying to help him see that, from the outside, that really doesn't appear to be true. For instance, when we're in the car & someone pisses him off, if he rants about it, he stays angry longer and drives less carefully. If we're listening to an audiobook, he's less likely to rant at length, the anger diffuses faster, and he remains a safer driver.

I think he finally *got* it that I might be right when he recently got a ticket for unsafe driving after someone else on the road "made" him drive badly because they angered him by being pushy on the road.

I get *really* tense and upset when someone expresses anger loudly or with slamming doors, punching objects etc.

Me too. And I've frightened people by doing stuff like that, and I don't like it when that happens. So I mostly have my "tantrum minute" where other people can't see.

If your partner believes that a lot of loudness and physically violent behavior helps him get rid of anger faster, then I understand why this matters a lot to you.

If your partner believes that a lot of loudness and physically violent behavior helps him get rid of anger faster, then I understand why this matters a lot to you.

Thanks- that made me feel heard and understood. I guess I didn't realize quite how passionate I felt about all this until we had the discussion, so it's been good for me, too!

I'm really glad you started this dialogue. I find that i have to be cognizant of the situation, and proceed accordingly, as best as i can determine that.

i also came from a background where my feelings were very stifled, and i find it helpful for me to express the intensity of my anger sometimes (by myself, i don't think those demonstrations do any good directed at another person, i've flown off the handle before and felt mostly ashamed afterwards, not fun). But by myself, if i need to scream or throw a pillow, i feel like i'm somehow releasing the energy out of my anger so that i can move on to a more appropriate interpersonal expression, like what was mentioned earlier, of just stating that i'm angry and then trying to see another perspective to help me put it in a context of everyone is wronged and also hurts other, so it's best to be compassionate, and move forward.

Yeah, that's pretty much how it works for me.

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Ways of dealing with various kinds of anger

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