rape, men as potential rapists, fear of

[firecat]

There's an Internet conversation about rape, one post about which is here.

After reading that post, I saw several posts in which a woman said although she intellectually understands that many women fear men as potential rapists, she doesn't have that fear, and she has never been sexually assaulted, either because no one tried or because she defended herself with words or weapons.

I'm really glad that these women haven't suffered sexual assault or fear of sexual assault.

But I don't understand why a number of women are apparently responding to this conversation by saying that they aren't afraid of rape and don't have a general fear of men as potential rapists. Do they feel they should be afraid? I'm getting the impression that they feel not being afraid of rape makes them weird. Maybe that it makes them unfeminine somehow? Is this because our culture sends the message that all women should be afraid of rape?

I'm also not sure what I think about the suggestion that a certain attitude or body language -- specifically, attitude/body language that shows a lack of fear -- can prevent an assault from happening. I think it can make a difference in some situations--maybe a lot of situations. (I gather that it's part of what's taught at self-defense classes.) But I don't think it's any kind of guarantee. I know plenty of people who have a "don't mess with me" attitude/body language who have been assaulted.

(For the record, I haven't experienced sexual assault either. I have feared it in a few specific situations.)

Comments

[flarenut]

Weird good or weird bad?

When something bad happens to someone else, a lot of people have an almost reflexive response that involves finding things that differentiate them from the person to whom the bad thing happened, so that they can believe that the bad thing won't happen to them. Sometimes the perceived differentiating factors are rational, sometimes they're not, sometimes inbetween.

Depending on one's emotional makeup, it can be pretty difficult to go around thinking of half the population as potential threats, so there's a lot of ground to be gained in not doing so...

(Never been sexually assaulted, have feared it a few times, still have a generalized perception of other men as potentially threatening, probably from having been an undersize-for-grade smart kid.)

[firecat]

Weird good or weird bad?

Either.

And that's a good analysis.

[boxofdelights]

When I saw something in the comments about "how women's lives are warped by the read of sexual assault," I thought, "not me. I wonder why not me?" I don't know why my mind went in that direction either. I read cakmpls's such post before I followed a pointer to cereta's; that might have prompted it.

[firecat]

Thanks for commenting.

I don't know if "warped" is the right word but I believe that some of my behavior is different than it would be otherwise because I have a horror of being perceived as "leading someone on" sexually or romantically. I don't fear assault per se if I do this, but I fear causing frustration, hurt, anger. The main effect is that I am sometimes uncomfortable with flirting. This might be indirectly related to the existence of sexual assault, or it might be a manifestation of social anxiety that doesn't have anything to do with sexual assault per se.

[boxofdelights]

I meant to type "fear," not "read." Fear of sexual assault.

[aquaeri]

I'm another who doesn't have that generic fear of rape. I don't think the weirdness it's about feeling unfeminine for me, so much as a fear that I have a kind of woman-not-afraid-of-rape privilege that means I'm interacting with women who do have that fear (more strongly) in a way that's bad or uncomfortable for them. (or possibly I'm interacting with men in a way that is unhelpful?) Because, yeah, having that fear, living that much of your life like that, must be hell and must have all kinds of unpleasant and unobvious to me consequences and side effects.

[firecat]

Thanks, that makes sense.

[trouble]

Sometimes, I think the fact that I'm not afraid to walk home late at night by myself makes me weird.

[firecat]

I find it interesting and troubling that there is a societal meme which encourages some women feel weird for not being afraid. I wonder if there are any other memes that make people feel weird for not being afraid.

[trixtah]

I dunno, I often interpret such remarks as "I'm not afraid of X; why are you?" Sometimes they're obviously presenting another datapoint in response to the "everyone feels X" remarks, but sometimes it seems more arrogant, or, frankly, clueless than that. Having not encountered those remarks in this specific context, it's hard to say.

But for a woman to say she's never ever felt concerned about being potentially assaulted? I really don't grok that mindset. Have they walked city streets at night? Have they walked unaccompanied into an unfamiliar bar full of drunk men with no women in visible sight? Have they been the only female walking the street in front of packs of young men hanging about with no apparent purpose? Perhaps they have, and perhaps they haven't.

I agree that body language can help with the aimless groups of young men, or the occasional drunk. For the rare nutter who is on the prowl for an assault victim, or the person you think you trust who suddenly turns a date into a rape, not so much.

But I agree that if a woman has genuinely never felt at risk of assault, she's very privileged. It shouldn't have to be that way.

[firecat]

I often interpret such remarks as "I'm not afraid of X; why are you?"

In the LJ thread on this post, some women have commented that this interpretation makes it hard for them to discuss their feelings around sexual assault.

[lorres]

"Is this because our culture sends the message that all women should be afraid of rape? "

err, the articulation is not necessarily "you should be afraid of rape". What I've heard specifically said is that girls and women should always be ready to defend themselves. In my public school there were self-defense classes for girls that were not offered for boys. One was always defending oneself against a male attacker. If that's not rape defense, I don't know what is.