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firecat (attention machine in need of calibration)
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Date: 7 Jun 2009 10:31 pm (UTC)I think that, in my case, I needed to explore my own feelings about the potential for rape. I would definitely say that I feel that not being afraid of rape makes me feel weird. My feelings make me feel like I should just shut up and not be part of the discussion.
I can't remember ever thinking that rape was about sexual attraction. I feel impatient with the argument that men rape because they feel they have the right to have sex with women because that's not how I understand rape. I understand rape as a power thing, a predator-prey thing, and something that just incidentally has something to do with sex.
I'm not saying that how I understand rape is the reality of rape -- it's just how I understand it. I can't imagine a guy wanting to have sex with me because he thinks he is entitled if I was trying to kill him. I'm not saying that rape in that situation doesn't or can't or wouldn't happen, I'm just saying that I can't imagine it.
I can't imagine letting myself become insensate in the company of someone who'd rape me. I *have* been insensate and had guys fuck me, but I was there by choice and I knew that it'd happen; I trusted the guys and I knew that I was safe.
All of this, all of these personal feelings and emotions and not being able to get my head around rape doesn't negate the reality of rape. I wrote about rape in my journal because I was trying to figure out why I feel like I shouldn't talk about how I don't get it; why if feels like not only do I not have anything important to say, but anything I say will derail the discussion, or hurt someone that I care about, or support someone who really is *trying* to derail the conversation, and so I should just shut up.