firecat

I rarely mention in public how I'm feeling emotionally. (I'll talk about it with a few close friends, if they ask.) This goes not only for negative feelings but also positive ones.

I have a lot of reasons for not talking about negative feelings in public.

But here's what just percolated into my consciousness: I really only have one reason for not talking about positive ones. I believe that if I say "I'm feeling X" and then at some later point I'm not feeling X any more, people will judgementally think I'm foolish for having talked about feeling X in the first place, or possibly for having felt X at all.

I know where that belief came from. But you know, I think I don't really believe it any more.

Yay.

11/01/07

733 out of 50,000

11/02/07

912 out of 50,000

11/03/07

2103 out of 50,000

Widget from gngr here.

Other:

• Started 3 Garage Band pieces and finished four others
• Finished a sleeve of the Heartbeat Sweater
• Started the second sleeve of the Heartbeat Sweater while watching one of the dumber Original Star Trek episodes ("The Naked Time")
• Knitted several rows of the Tidal Wave sock (and ripped half of them out again) while hanging with Serene in a cafe in San Francisco
• Finished one Tidal Wave sock (it took two tries because I misread the instructions the first time and produced a too-short toe)
• Finished the second sleeve of the Heartbeat Sweater and started the neckline
• Started the second Tidal Wave sock
• Started and ripped a lace shawl (my own design)
• Finished the Heartbeat Sweater
• Finished the Tidal Wave socks
• Started a sekrit winter gift project

The Background:
I'm not a tidy housekeeper and sometimes some of my clothes get stored on the floor or on furniture. Furthermore, there isn't enough room in my study for everything that I want to keep in here.

The Setting:
My study. The computer is near the back wall.

Against the wall opposite the door is a large "zero gravity recliner" that the cats like to sleep in, especially when it has unsorted clean laundry in it. At the moment, it holds a large, inflated exercise ball, which the cats hate because it makes weird squeaky noises and sometimes chases them and it's bigger than they are.

Near the door is a storage area consisting of 2' wide and 2' deep shelves, some with wire mesh dividers. When I'm being on the tidier side, I store some of my clothes in there.

Long sleeve sweaters and sweatshirts
Long pants
Short sleeved knitted shirts	Long sleeved knitted shirts
Shorts	Knitted tank tops
Laundry basket storage

The Gathering Storm:
I notice a lot of tank tops on the floor. I assume that I dumped them there after doing laundry and forgot to put them away. I put them away.

A couple of days later, I notice a lot of tank tops on the floor again. I think "I thought I put these away. Guess not." I put them away.

Their Finest Hour:
Late one evening I hear a soft rhythmic scraping sound. I look in the direction of the sound and see my cat Biscuit standing on her hind legs, scraping tank tops out of the tank top storage shelf. Once she has cleared enough room on the shelf, she hops in, lies down, and goes to sleep.

Well, I think she would have lain down and gone to sleep if I hadn't interrupted her by laughing uproariously.

The Grand Alliance:
A short time later, I find Angus on the shelf.

The Hinge of Fate:
The next day, I put the tank tops back on the shelf.

That evening I hear the sound of a cat tongue scraping against fabric. The tank tops are on the floor. Biscuit is back in the shelf, nonchalantly cleaning herself (and the few remaining tank tops that she's using as a bed cushion).

Closing the Ring:
Biscuit is now scraping the tank tops off the shelf nightly.

How long will it take for her to defeat the evil forces who invaded the recliner and installed the exercise ball in it?

If you're maybe noticing that you're older than you used to be, and are feeling sad/angry/confused/worried/frustrated that you haven't accomplished as much as you/other people in your present or past/annoyingly critical voices inside your head think you should have, and if you're maybe feeling something like "I'm not a real grownup like everyone else," and if you're maybe also feeling sad/angry/confused/worried/frustrated that your body isn't working the way it used to, and you're maybe thinking, "if that's true then how am I going to DO all those accomplishments that I/other people/voices in my head think I ought or want to do?", and maybe you're also wondering how are you going to dig out from under the accumulation of habit and procrastination and self-doubt to some sense of satisfaction in your life again, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Friends keep saying stuff like that where I can see it, and I've been feeling it for a while now too. One said it really well in a friends-locked post:

It's been hard for the last some-odd months, with my age catching up to me, not to feel that I've been a continual failure in school, work, and my personal life. ...

I've been trying so hard to hide from my friends -- most of them not very close, even if they were before -- the fact that I'm not in their league in any sense of the word. ...

Come to think of it, I don't do yard work because I'm afraid of being looked at/judged by passersby. I don't do artwork because I'm afraid of ill-judgment and meaningless or worthless praise. This has gotten as bad as it ever was in the worst years of my adolescence. Worse, because I don't have the energy or the twenty years ahead of me to think I have plenty of time yet to pull myself out of it.

It was a revelation to read this, especially the part about "as bad as it ever was in the worst years of my adolescence," because that's exactly what bugs me about the similar feelings I have—"WTF? I thought I was DONE with these feelings of self-consciousness. No one told me they would come back, dammit! I thought 'mid-life crisis' just meant you went out and got your virtual red sports car and had done with it."

When a whole bunch of my friends and acquaintances are having similar uncomfortable feelings, and especially when each one is having these feelings privately and feeling shame about it because it seems like no one else has them, I ask myself whether there's some kind of cultural pressure going on, and I ask myself whether maybe we would do better examining these tendencies and pressures together, so we can figure out where we stand, and which of the beliefs and tendencies to embrace, and which to say pbtpbtpbtpbt!!!! to.

I wonder how that could be accomplished.

Do you have those feelings? Could you use a way to talk about those feelings with other folks who struggle with them?

The OH and I went to a new-to-us restaurant for brunch - Piccadilly Catering in Foster City. They have a Cajun brunch buffet every Sunday.

http://www.piccadillycatering.com/cajun.htm

They didn't have everything listed on the menu (didn't see any smoked chicken, gumbo, or grits), but -

They had the best Jambalaya I've ever had outside New Orleans. (And since one of my favorite restaurants is Creo La, which has very good Jambalaya, that's saying something.)

The mac'n'cheese was the best I've had in a long time, and so was the fried chicken and peach cobbler. The BBQ pork ribs were excellent. The specials were prime rib and crawfish etouffé, and we could have had cooked-to-order broiled or fried catfish if we'd asked for it. Brunch came with individual crab cake and deep fried prawn appetizers with creole sauce, delivered to the table.

I appreciated that they had serve-yourself coffee, because when I'm in a coffee mood I drink a lot very fast and feel guilty pestering the wait staff to bring more. The coffee was very tasty.

The hostess/proprietress, Pam, made us feel very welcome even though we arrived a bit early and not all the food was out yet. (So we got to concentrate on the Jambalaya for a while.) It's a small place, holds about 32 people. Price is a flat $23 per person, which includes tax.

(Oh, and she's really cute.)

Otherwise I might be a lot more freaked out about having had to spend New Year's Eve at the emergency vet with Angus.
( elimination tmi )