"midlife" stuff

[firecat]

If you're maybe noticing that you're older than you used to be, and are feeling sad/angry/confused/worried/frustrated that you haven't accomplished as much as you/other people in your present or past/annoyingly critical voices inside your head think you should have, and if you're maybe feeling something like "I'm not a real grownup like everyone else," and if you're maybe also feeling sad/angry/confused/worried/frustrated that your body isn't working the way it used to, and you're maybe thinking, "if that's true then how am I going to DO all those accomplishments that I/other people/voices in my head think I ought or want to do?", and maybe you're also wondering how are you going to dig out from under the accumulation of habit and procrastination and self-doubt to some sense of satisfaction in your life again, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Friends keep saying stuff like that where I can see it, and I've been feeling it for a while now too. One said it really well in a friends-locked post:

It's been hard for the last some-odd months, with my age catching up to me, not to feel that I've been a continual failure in school, work, and my personal life. ...

I've been trying so hard to hide from my friends -- most of them not very close, even if they were before -- the fact that I'm not in their league in any sense of the word. ...

Come to think of it, I don't do yard work because I'm afraid of being looked at/judged by passersby. I don't do artwork because I'm afraid of ill-judgment and meaningless or worthless praise. This has gotten as bad as it ever was in the worst years of my adolescence. Worse, because I don't have the energy or the twenty years ahead of me to think I have plenty of time yet to pull myself out of it.

It was a revelation to read this, especially the part about "as bad as it ever was in the worst years of my adolescence," because that's exactly what bugs me about the similar feelings I have—"WTF? I thought I was DONE with these feelings of self-consciousness. No one told me they would come back, dammit! I thought 'mid-life crisis' just meant you went out and got your virtual red sports car and had done with it."

When a whole bunch of my friends and acquaintances are having similar uncomfortable feelings, and especially when each one is having these feelings privately and feeling shame about it because it seems like no one else has them, I ask myself whether there's some kind of cultural pressure going on, and I ask myself whether maybe we would do better examining these tendencies and pressures together, so we can figure out where we stand, and which of the beliefs and tendencies to embrace, and which to say pbtpbtpbtpbt!!!! to.

I wonder how that could be accomplished.

Do you have those feelings? Could you use a way to talk about those feelings with other folks who struggle with them?

Comments

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

At least three or four times a day, and oh hell yes. To both of your questions.

[firecat]

Thanks for commenting...

[zpdiduda.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah. Definitely. And I'd be happy to bring a casserole to a support group meeting.

[firecat]

Mmm, casserole...

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

Working on a post about this now.

And yeah. Support group. Something.

[firecat]

Thanks for your post!

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i don't know if i am or not. but i do hear a lot from mr. back of the head guy about how come i don't have a kid yet, how come i'm thirty four and don't have a partner, how come my job sucks, how come this how come that.

[firecat]

Actually, your comment made me remember having another crisis like this on my 30th birthday, when a brand new back of the head voice suddenly popped in and said "you're supposed to be married by now!" and I was like "What? Where did that come from?"

Eventually I figured out, "Well, it isn't going to happen overnight, so I'm just going to get on with living my life." That worked out pretty well. I hope that maybe it will happen that way again. (For both of us.)

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

Do you have those feelings? Could you use a way to talk about those feelings with other folks who struggle with them?

Yes and Yes!

[firecat]

Thanks for commenting, O person who looks like a raging success from here and yet still has these feelings.

[elisem.livejournal.com]

Yes indeed I do.

Sure, because it probably couldn't hurt and it might help. (The presence of that clause indicates that I'd be uncomfortable and embarrassed talking about it, but that's been the admission price for a lot of good change in my life, so I won't balk at it.)

[firecat]

Thanks for passing it on, and well said.

[beaq.livejournal.com]

yah sure. yah sure.

[firecat]

Thanks, you.

[basketcaselady.livejournal.com]

Midlife crisis comes again after a heart attack. That's something they don't tell you but it's true.

[firecat]

Oy, it's good to know that in advance. I don't think I've had any heart attacks, but they're often silent in diabetics, so who knows?

[cynthia1960.livejournal.com]

Ah, this sounds like another aspect of the topic we were mulling about for next year's Wiscon.

[firecat]

Yes. Speaking of which, I need to make a trip to Purlescence to pick up my Stitch'n'Pitch tickets. Want to set a date and time to meet there? If so send e-mail to stef at cat-and-dragon dot com or let me know an address to send you e-mail.

[liveavatar.livejournal.com]

Yes, I definitely feel that way. I'm in the middle of feeling like that today, even, all of those things.

I'm working on finding ways to sidestep my internal blockages. (There's a book called Your Own Worst Enemy that speaks to a lot of what's going on with me. Some of this book might be useful to others with the issues you're describing.) But hearing from you that that many other people are laboring under the same pressures and fears I am makes me wonder as well whether this is a cultural pressure.

[firecat]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I think of you as someone who is extremely active with lots of interests. I don't mean to say "therefore you shouldn't feel that way," it's just interesting to me how different a person can look to themselves, inside their own head, than they look to another person on the outside.

[elainegrey.livejournal.com]

I spent years in therapy at the end of my PhD work working on a lot of those issues -- and was able to quit without the PhD and get on with things. It's a constant battle to reclaim the frame: what is success? What is recreation? Most of the time i do OK, but when i think about job hunting i struggle to figure out how to translate my identification of success to mainstream definitions.

And then there was being on vacation in a city by myself, which i used to do well when i was younger. Somehow i managed to pick up some voices about being in different place ("You should see X when you're in this town"), but there's a different voice, which you refer to, but i think it's really different, the voice that recognizes resource limitations, usually physical (but there's monetary and time, too) or responsibilities (that often are hand in hand with those resource limitations).

I guess the fuzzy part is whether the responsibilities or limitations are real or adopted/imposed. "I shouldn't go to the pool because i'm not attractive enough" is one that is an external one for me, so i always take a swim suit. I never go because i don't really want to (but i know that external voice is there).

Make any sense?

I'm about to return to my intense body-experience focussed therapy, so i'd have to pass on any group addressing of these issues at this time.....

[firecat]

It's a constant battle to reclaim the frame: what is success? What is recreation? Most of the time i do OK, but when i think about job hunting i struggle to figure out how to translate my identification of success to mainstream definitions.

Very well said. And a career crisis is partly precipitating this stuff in me I think. (I'm not job hunting, but I don't love my paid work right now.)

"I shouldn't go to the pool because i'm not attractive enough" is one that is an external one for me, so i always take a swim suit.

I go to the pool, but the whole time I'm there, I keep putting words into other people's heads. ("They're looking at me and thinking...") I know that I'm projecting but I can't seem to stop it. And wrestling with all that mental hamstering takes a lot of energy I'd rather spend elsewhere.

Good luck with your therapy.

[leduck.livejournal.com]

Those are some interesting questions.

I am 43, and have noticed a set of changes as I age. For the most part, I am pretty happy with what I've achieved: I've achieved my educational goals, I have a meaningful, fulfilling, and productive career, I am married to a partner with whom I have a good and supportive relationship.

But two things-- I feel rather out of balance. I am so busy all the time, I wonder if that gets to be a habit-- if I end up running from something rather than to something. I wonder if I still have the capacity to laze around for a day. I used to be able to do that. I also think that I don't take enough opportunities to take pleasure in things that I would like to enjoy. I've been busy achieving, and I wonder if I shouldn't switch gears a little to enjoy what I've achieved.

Second-- I feel out of phase. Most people my age are parents, and some are grandparents. This is a life and experience I don't share with my contemporaries. I don't regret not having children for a variety of reasons, but it certainly puts me in a different place, espeically around young adults, than most of my friends.

It would be interesting to talk with other people about these things and see how they feel.

[firecat]

I can relate to the "out of phase" thing, for the same reasons you cite.

[snippy]

No. That is, not usually--just when I hang out with fiction authors, I think I have a chip on my shoulder about not being a writer. Even that, not often--not even once a month. It's awful when it happens, though.

I wish you the best on finding a way to talk about those feelings with others.

[firecat]

I'm glad this stuff doesn't bug you much. A lot of it comes up around fiction writing for me, too. (I identify as "a writer who wants to write more fiction but keeps not getting around to it and isn't sure why".)

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

I find myself being resentful and sometimes angry about the ways in which my body is "failing me" -- i.e. no longer being able to do physical things that I handled easily as recently as 5 years ago. (That's most of the reason for the new filter.) As far as hearing what I call the Goddamn Tapes -- the voices in the back of your head that keep telling you how you're not good enough and no matter what you do, you'll never measure up to where you "should" be -- I've done a lot of work on dealing with those, and they don't bother me as much as they used to. I wouldn't mind being in a group that talked about stuff like this, but I don't know how useful my words would be, especially about the tapes; it's not really something you can fix by listening to someone else's advice, because everyone comes to it differently.

[firecat]

Thanks for commenting. Wishing you success with the new exercise routine!

[nellorat.livejournal.com]

My reaction to this is complex--- Hmmm. I just thought of a good analogy: me vs. those feelings is a lot like me and fat-acceptance. I've grappled with those feelings a lot, and I still have them, sometimes even pretty badly, but in some ways I am able to blow them the Bronx cheer.

I do have lowered expectations now, but I think it's the more practical kind that one poster talks about. OK, I've finally figured out and accepted that I'm not going to be a sought-after pundit whose writings reshape the world. Now, what kind of pundit can I be, and what kinds of writings can I contribute in the next 20, 30 or so years? And what else do I want to do that I can?

But like I said, things can still be hard. I was all grumpy for a few days after reading fiction by Joe Hill (http://nellorat.livejournal.com/286538.html?nc=2), and I know part of it was thinking, here I've been reading and writing about Stephen King since Joe was a kid, and now Joe is a great author, and I may write about him, and where am I? It even took me a doy or two to realize I was grumpy over that.

Mostly, though, I accept that I've made the choices I've made and had the good and bad luck I've had, and this is where I am. A lot of accepting of less time left, but in a good way, clicked in around my fiftieth birthday, which I'm glad I went all-out to celebrate.

[firecat]

Yes, fat acceptance is a good analogy because for me that's been feeling shaky along with a lot of other kinds of acceptance and bronx-cheer-deserving stuff I thought I had internalized pretty thoroughly. I'm glad to know that you're mostly not struggling with this stuff.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Hm. I want to say that I have had those feelings, but that they are largely in the past tense.

From the perspective of my (yipes!) late 50s, I've come to look at that particular sort of midlife angst, at least as it played out in my own life, as a developmental stage; like adolescence, it seemed to be something I had to move through in order to get to the next stage, which doesn't have a handy label. "Self-actualized late-middle age," maybe?

For me, it was about moving from a psycho-emotional place of limitless horizons and possibilities and ambitions toward one with ... different borders. Not worse; just different. In acknowledging limits - physical, certainly, but also that time is finite and I'm closer to the end of mine than its beginning - I've learned to focus, to pare things down to essentials. If it's "too late" for me to do X, well, then that gets X off the table and out of my way so I have room to go deep and passionate with Y, or Z.

I hope this doesn't sound dismissive. It's not meant to say "you'll get over it," but rather that the hard work you're doing now in trying to figure out where you stand and what to embrace and what to say pbtpbtpbtpbt!!!! to ... will pay off.

[firecat]

Doesn't sound dismissive at all - I'm delighted to know that the feelings were temporary for you, and I hope the same is true for all of us who feel them.

[mjlayman.livejournal.com]

No, not really. I was quite successful before I got sick, and I didn't cause any of the diseases, so I don't feel responsible for them. I think considering how sick I am, I'm pretty successful now, too.

Why do I feel like this compared to some of you? Some ideas:

I've never wanted kids.

I'm happy living alone and being alone and decided years ago that a partner would probably bring more trouble than benefit.

I had a high-level position and a large income when I got sick, so I've had that.

I find beadweaving meditative and I think that calms me in general.

I have cats that love me.

[firecat]

I've never wanted kids.

Me neither.

I'm happy living alone and being alone and decided years ago that a partner would probably bring more trouble than benefit.

I have a partner I live with and some I don't live with, so we're different there. But where we're similar I think is that I'm happy with how my relationships are going.

I had a high-level position and a large income when I got sick, so I've had that.

I had that at one point, then I quit because I was bored. I don't really care to have it again.

I find beadweaving meditative and I think that calms me in general.

I find knitting meditative and calming.

I have cats that love me.

Me too!

[bastette-joyce.livejournal.com]

Do you have those feelings? Could you use a way to talk about those feelings with other folks who struggle with them?

Well, sheesh. I sure have! In fact, I'm sitting here feeling bad that one of my many, many posts about this topic wasn't chosen to elegantly illustrate the phenomenon. I can't even do self-pitying midlife crisis right! :)

I could use a way to talk about these feelings, yes. In fact, I have been doing it, although, with few exceptions, I hear only the wind blowing through my brains in response, which is hard. On bad days I feel rejected, but on rational days, I just figure people don't know what to say about this stuff, or it's hard for them to think about it because it's painful, or whatever - ie, more about them than about me. But it's still hard not to have as much thought-provoking, insight-inducing dialogue as I would like to have about it. Instead, I just end up feeling embarrassed that I once again exposed myself, and only one or two people (sometimes nobody) acknowledged it at all. So, sheepishly, I zip up my pants and creep off, muttering "never mind"...

Are there actually people out there who want to talk about this stuff? Point me to 'em!

As for these bad feelings about myself "coming back" - for me, they've never really gone away. I have had better times in recent years, though, even with an underlying negative self-image. I've been far more social, had much closer friendships, and felt like I was part of a culture (or several). All that stuff has gotten incredibly more difficult and I do feel somewhat stuck, although I recently did have a breakthrough where I decided that I was going to let myself enjoy the things I enjoy without ragging on myself for this or that reason. That has helped my state of mind, although it hasn't changed my social life much. I'm sure all that takes time.

I sometimes feel flooded with shame because I haven't reached this or that milestone at my age. One way I combat this is to keep an image of flowers in my mind. Yes, flowers - because they grow at different speeds and bloom at different times. I'm a late-bloomer, and there's nothing wrong with that. I was taught to feel bad if I got "behind" other kids in any area of life, but the truth is, I was behind other kids socially and emotionally. And I'm still behind other people my age, in certain ways. But so what? Why do we all have to progress in lockstep?

Another think I was thinking about just this morning: I really miss the NAAFA Feminist Caucus fat women's gatherings. Being a part of that culture was incredibly affirming to me on many levels. One was just having a place where I was admired and appreciated. Another was a safe place to be in my body. And another was these great events to look forward to and have fun at! I'm not blaming anyone for not organizing them anymore - I know it's exhausting work, and I'm sure not volunteering. :) But I miss it.

[firecat]

I'm sitting here feeling bad that one of my many, many posts about this topic wasn't chosen to elegantly illustrate the phenomenon.

That's kinda my fault - we are so close that I fell into the trap of thinking the feelings were your feelings (and my feelings, because you know I share many of them), and it was only when I began to hear the exact same thing from friends I know less well that I began to think it was a hidden cultural phenomenon, so to speak.

Why do we all have to progress in lockstep?

We don't of course (my intellect talking), but I have the same comparison-anxiety (feelings talking), and I wonder why so many of us feel we do.

I really miss the NAAFA Feminist Caucus fat women's gatherings.

Yeah, I miss them too.

[femmediva.livejournal.com]

Yes! Oh, yes.

Part of me knows I'm not the only one who feels this way, but it is so difficult to talk about. I struggle with this a lot, and sadly have distanced myself from many people over the past few years due to many of these reasons. I would love a supportive space to talk about it with others who are going through the same things.
Thank you so much for posting this.

[firecat]

Thanks for commenting. It's the distancing thing that scares me most about it.

[slfisher.livejournal.com]

menopause?

[firecat]

I'm not quite there yet; I wouldn't be surprised if some of the special emotional charge is due to hormone wonkiness, though.

[elynne.livejournal.com]

Yes, But...

I don't have much available brain right now, and that's one of the things I don't like about myself right now, but I also feel like I have the opportunity to re-create brain, to restructure my mind and self, if I can figure out how. I definitely don't feel like it's "too late"; I'm not sure when that might be, but it isn't now. I'm not depressed anymore, and that makes me feel like I can do anything, y'know? Even with an occasionally achy back, or a memory flakier than a fresh-baked croissant, or occasional bouts of sleeping for days on end and barely having the strength to feed myself... these can be dealt with, worked around, if I can figure out how to deal with them.

I'm flailing a lot right now, in my head; it's not coming out on LJ much because I don't know how to talk about it. So, I think yes, with a side dish of But, lavishly garnished with And.

[firecat]

Yay for being not depressed any more. I know what you mean that it opens up your possibilities.

[deeleigh.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. I turn 38 in August.

I'm married to a wonderful man. The thing that's really bothering right now is that I'm still not sure about kids, and, I'm getting old to have them. My husband is also wishy-washy, but he's 8 years younger than me. This is really bugging me. Most people seem to have a strong desire to have them or not to have them, and I could -still- go either way. But some time in the next ten or fifteen years, the choice makes itself.

I never expected to have a settled, idyllic personal life, but that's what I've got. Part of me seems to need the security, and part of me finds it boring.

My career isn't where I want it to be. I have a lot of education but still feel like a beginner. I've been all over the place, career-wise, and have a lot of skills to show for it, but I haven't really built anything. It's become obvious to me that I'm not going to succeed in a traditional environment. I'm out on my own now, working on a project basis and teaching at a community college. Sometimes it feels right, and sometimes I just feel useless and un-(or at least under-) employed. This is while I'm making pretty decent money... but less than half what I could make working for a company. On the other hand, this is after only a month of seriously trying to be self-employed. Not bad, I suppose.

And the age thing - it's weird. Sometimes being older than my husband makes me insecure. Sometimes I wish I looked older so that people would take me more seriously. My body hasn't changed much. I've put on some weight in the last few years, but it's not a big deal. I'd like to be more active and feel buoyant again, and I'm not crazy about the way my face has changed. But, I've been this size before and it's not really a problem. I'm just at a lazier HAES place.

Being middle aged, being fat... I'm still not sure how people perceive me, how it affects my self image, and how it affects my life or my place in the world. Generally, I feel stuck in my twenties, and it's getting a bit old. I went through so many years of hard-scrabble, working full time and going to school. I blocked out my emotions; especially any hint of weakness. It's been a long time since I took a serious look at myself and my life, and I'm trying to do that now. Because, having a direction is a powerful thing, and lacking self awareness is a handicap.

[firecat]

Most people seem to have a strong desire to have them or not to have them, and I could -still- go either way.

I never had a strong desire for kids, but there was a time when I was willing to give it a try. The OH and I were getting ready to start trying, but then I was diagnosed with diabetes and I decided not to because I definitely didn't want a for-sure high-intervention pregnancy.

but I haven't really built anything.

This is part of how I'm feeling too. Either "building something" needs to become a priority, or I need to decide that it's not really important to me. (ATM, I'm leaning toward thinking it's important.)

[papersky.livejournal.com]

I used to feel like that but I don't any more, and I've been hesitating about saying this because I don't want to sound smug.

I did a post (http://papersky.livejournal.com/286948.html) about how much I appreciate external validation, last year.

[firecat]

Thank you for saying it; it doesn't come across as smug at all. I'm delighted to know that a person can feel it and then stop feeling it.

And that's a really good post.

Red sports cars

[bastette-joyce.livejournal.com]

I thought 'mid-life crisis' just meant you went out and got your virtual red sports car and had done with it."

I meant to comment on this. LOL! I've just dyed my hair red, does that count? :)

Seriously, I've recently changed my style, and part of the motivation for it was to adopt a more "youthful" look. I'm just not ready to settle into looking like a grandma, even if in my case it was a quasi-butch dyke grandma. :) I figure looking older is going to be an option whenever I choose to re-embrace it.

Which brings up a topic that is tangentially related: presenting oneself in the current style adopted by people who are much younger. I hear two different voices in my head in relation to this: "That outfit is much too young for her! Doesn't she know how ridiculous she looks?" versus "This is what 52 looks like on me." In other words, what does it mean to dress "younger"? Why should I accept some arbitrary societal definition of age-appropriateness? Isn't this just another way of keeping women from expressing ourselves? (Men, too, actually - but women, especially.) If I want to be an old lady wearing purple - or bright red hair and a babydoll shirt - what's the problem?

Re: Red sports cars

[deeleigh.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting question. I went full in for the skintight low rise jeans a couple of years ago. I'm wearing a pair in my icon, actually. When I was in grad school (when I met my husband), I was trying to fit in by looking younger. It worked. But, looking trendy takes a lot of effort, and it changes the way people think of you. In general, I like to be taken seriously. So now, I'm dressing more my age. Actually, I rarely dress to express myself. 90% of the time, I dress based on what I want other's perceptions of me to be. Don't clothes always have secondary meanings, and aren't those meanings always part of why we wear what we do? Clothing is about presentation. I guess it plays a part in expression, but I think it's secondary to our words, our actions and our work.

[bastette-joyce.livejournal.com]

It sounds like an LJ community devoted to this topic would have a few takers...

[gregbo.livejournal.com]

These issues are discussed in fortysomething occasionally.