"midlife" stuff

[firecat]

If you're maybe noticing that you're older than you used to be, and are feeling sad/angry/confused/worried/frustrated that you haven't accomplished as much as you/other people in your present or past/annoyingly critical voices inside your head think you should have, and if you're maybe feeling something like "I'm not a real grownup like everyone else," and if you're maybe also feeling sad/angry/confused/worried/frustrated that your body isn't working the way it used to, and you're maybe thinking, "if that's true then how am I going to DO all those accomplishments that I/other people/voices in my head think I ought or want to do?", and maybe you're also wondering how are you going to dig out from under the accumulation of habit and procrastination and self-doubt to some sense of satisfaction in your life again, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Friends keep saying stuff like that where I can see it, and I've been feeling it for a while now too. One said it really well in a friends-locked post:

It's been hard for the last some-odd months, with my age catching up to me, not to feel that I've been a continual failure in school, work, and my personal life. ...

I've been trying so hard to hide from my friends -- most of them not very close, even if they were before -- the fact that I'm not in their league in any sense of the word. ...

Come to think of it, I don't do yard work because I'm afraid of being looked at/judged by passersby. I don't do artwork because I'm afraid of ill-judgment and meaningless or worthless praise. This has gotten as bad as it ever was in the worst years of my adolescence. Worse, because I don't have the energy or the twenty years ahead of me to think I have plenty of time yet to pull myself out of it.

It was a revelation to read this, especially the part about "as bad as it ever was in the worst years of my adolescence," because that's exactly what bugs me about the similar feelings I have—"WTF? I thought I was DONE with these feelings of self-consciousness. No one told me they would come back, dammit! I thought 'mid-life crisis' just meant you went out and got your virtual red sports car and had done with it."

When a whole bunch of my friends and acquaintances are having similar uncomfortable feelings, and especially when each one is having these feelings privately and feeling shame about it because it seems like no one else has them, I ask myself whether there's some kind of cultural pressure going on, and I ask myself whether maybe we would do better examining these tendencies and pressures together, so we can figure out where we stand, and which of the beliefs and tendencies to embrace, and which to say pbtpbtpbtpbt!!!! to.

I wonder how that could be accomplished.

Do you have those feelings? Could you use a way to talk about those feelings with other folks who struggle with them?

Comments

Re: Red sports cars

[bastette-joyce.livejournal.com]

Actually, I rarely dress to express myself. 90% of the time, I dress based on what I want other's perceptions of me to be. Don't clothes always have secondary meanings, and aren't those meanings always part of why we wear what we do? Clothing is about presentation. I guess it plays a part in expression, but I think it's secondary to our words, our actions and our work.

This is interesting. I'm not sure how much I dress to affect others' perceptions of me, but I must. Part of my concept of "looking good" implies looking good to others. (I don't mean to every other person, but at least to a sufficient number of other people that I feel I've succeeded - and that number is completely subjective.)

But I also express artistic impulses in my clothes, accessories, hair, shoes, etc. Creating a look with color and design is an important part of my self-presentation.

Re: Red sports cars

[deeleigh.livejournal.com]

That's true. It's so hard to predict people's reactions, and sometimes I'm surprised when what I'm trying to do with my appearance actually seems to fly. Some aspects of my appearance work against me.

And, I rarely express artistic impulses in my clothes and shoes (accessories - a little bit). In some ways, I'd like to, but so much of the way I dress is meant to make me appear more *normal*, and to make me fit into a neat catagory for people who don't know me. To the extent that I'm creative (and my analytical side is probably stronger), I'm very careful about revealing it to people. All I really want from strangers is respect.

Dressing creatively (or not)

[bastette-joyce.livejournal.com]

so much of the way I dress is meant to make me appear more *normal*, and to make me fit into a neat catagory for people who don't know me.

May I ask why this is important to you? I'm not asking in a challenging or judgemental way, I'm just very curious.

I have the opposite desire for my style of dress, so your mindset is very different from mine. Which is not to say that I don't conform to norms - I dress appropriately for work, etc. But usually in situations where some conformity is expected, I will push right up against the boundary, to express my personal style as much as I can.

I also don't have a particularly unusual style of dressing - I don't have unnaturally colored hair, piercings, tats, or anything like that. However, while I conform to expected style as much as necessary, I also violate norms as much as I can get away with, technically. I follow explicit dress code rules to stay out of trouble, but I don't have an imperative to try to make people think I'm "normal". So I'm really curious about what that's about for you.

Re: Dressing creatively (or not)

[deeleigh.livejournal.com]

At the most basic level, I want to be treated with respect by people in the service industry, and I don't want random strangers to feel that I'm an open target for harrassment. I also want to read as competant and professional to clients. I want educated and successful people to immediately see me as an equal. Sometimes, I want to be seen as cool and stylish.

For the most part, I'm good at all that. It makes life easier and more pleasant. However, being fat and ethnic looking doesn't help.