Noodlings on saying "I love you" and other forms of praise

[firecat]

Originally posted as a comment to this post in rowanf's journal. Somewhat modified here.

rowanf wrote: often when we say "I love you" we are making a plea for recognition, making an invitation for reciprocation, starting some kind of negotiation. I am trying to own "I love you" as a declaration of how I feel rather than as something that requires action on the part of the Other. I'm not sure that it is possible though, given all the baggage around the words. So, is it better not to make the declaration when you know it is unreciprocated?

I don't say it as a plea for recognition, reciprocation, or negotiation. I say it in these circumstances: (1) The feeling wells up in me and I know the other person won't freak. (2) It's true and the other person wants me to say it (either because it's a ritual to say it at certain times, or because zie's making a plea for recognition).

I personally don't say it directly to another person when I believe it's unreciprocated, because I don't enjoy the processing and explaining that has to follow. (If I believe it's reciprocated, then I'll say it and do the processing.) But one big change for me over the past little while is that in such cases I will say it to myself. In the past I was insistent that the word love only applies to a reciprocal relationship, so I would deny I loved someone if I believed zie didn't love me back. I'm so very glad that I've gotten rid of that policy.

On the other hand, even though I don't plan to start saying "I love you" to more people, I think I probably should make more of a point of telling people that I like them and what I like about them.

Only you know what? I have gotten out of the habit partly because I've gotten the impression that some people are embarrassed when I tell them what I like about them. Maybe when I'm in that mood, I do it too much. Or maybe some people don't like praise, or don't want it from me, or think I am asking for something in return. And actually, although I'm not asking for something in return when I tell someone I love them, I sometimes am asking for something in return when I tell them I like something about them. What I want is for them to like me back because they see me as a person with insight and good taste.

Comments

[lcohen]

i think that sometimes it is easier to hear what someone likes about you if it isn't framed that way. not that you do that--i can't address that since i haven't seen you in action. but it is easier for me to hear "that was a really insightful comment" than it is to hear "i really like the way that you make insightful comments" because i think the latter tends to make me feel that there is an expectation that i will keep coming up with insightful comments--there's a tiny bit of unintended pressure there--if you see what i mean?

as for saying "i love you"--i think that i don't say it with the expectation that i will hear it coming back to me--but sometimes i'm in such a burbly mood that i check in to make sure that that's clear to my partner. besides saying it to her though, i've noticed that i say it a lot to people who i love as a sign-off and i know that i say it in that instance not to hear it come back to me, but so that if heaven forbid it is the last time we talk, i know that i told them that the last time we spoke. that's related to recent losses in our family and other losses that i know are imminent. so yes, i want them to hear it, but it's also a little hedge for my peace of mind so that i don't have to wonder if i told them....

[firecat]

the latter tends to make me feel that there is an expectation that i will keep coming up with insightful comments--there's a tiny bit of unintended pressure there--if you see what i mean?

Makes sense. But speaking for myself, if it is something I do do on a regular basis and like about myself, I like to hear the more general statement. That way I feel the person notices things about me and likes some of the same things I like about myself.

so that if heaven forbid it is the last time we talk, i know that i told them that the last time we spoke.

I sometimes say it when signing off, as a ritual, but not specifically for that reason.

[lcohen]

>if it is something I do do on a regular basis and like about myself, I like to hear the more general statement. That way I feel the person notices things about me and likes some of the same things I like about myself.

excellent point. i like that you enjoy looking at issues from many angles ;-) .

[firecat]

I like that insightful comment. :-)