Noodlings on saying "I love you" and other forms of praise

[firecat]

Originally posted as a comment to this post in rowanf's journal. Somewhat modified here.

rowanf wrote: often when we say "I love you" we are making a plea for recognition, making an invitation for reciprocation, starting some kind of negotiation. I am trying to own "I love you" as a declaration of how I feel rather than as something that requires action on the part of the Other. I'm not sure that it is possible though, given all the baggage around the words. So, is it better not to make the declaration when you know it is unreciprocated?

I don't say it as a plea for recognition, reciprocation, or negotiation. I say it in these circumstances: (1) The feeling wells up in me and I know the other person won't freak. (2) It's true and the other person wants me to say it (either because it's a ritual to say it at certain times, or because zie's making a plea for recognition).

I personally don't say it directly to another person when I believe it's unreciprocated, because I don't enjoy the processing and explaining that has to follow. (If I believe it's reciprocated, then I'll say it and do the processing.) But one big change for me over the past little while is that in such cases I will say it to myself. In the past I was insistent that the word love only applies to a reciprocal relationship, so I would deny I loved someone if I believed zie didn't love me back. I'm so very glad that I've gotten rid of that policy.

On the other hand, even though I don't plan to start saying "I love you" to more people, I think I probably should make more of a point of telling people that I like them and what I like about them.

Only you know what? I have gotten out of the habit partly because I've gotten the impression that some people are embarrassed when I tell them what I like about them. Maybe when I'm in that mood, I do it too much. Or maybe some people don't like praise, or don't want it from me, or think I am asking for something in return. And actually, although I'm not asking for something in return when I tell someone I love them, I sometimes am asking for something in return when I tell them I like something about them. What I want is for them to like me back because they see me as a person with insight and good taste.

Comments

pronoun use and abuse

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

i can't know a thing about you after reading your journal? *little snicker*. but "need" was, uh, needlessly snarky, so let me rephrase that. i'd like reading you much better if you spoke for yourself, not for "we" or "us" or "you". (hi, lynn -- see? it's not just you. *grin*.)

I said "we" because I was talking about people in this culture attaching those meanings

some people do, heck, many people do. however, none of the people in this thread seem to do so. i don't, and nobody close to me does. and these people who don't are all part of this culture as well, just like you (unless you want to get more specific about what culture you're talking about).

"we" is inclusive. alas there is no exclusive we ("me and my pals, not mankind as a whole") as a counterpart to "we", which sucks, but there you go, stuck with using antecedents. it grates something fierce on me when somebody says "we" or "you" about something i haven't signed up for, because it implies that zie isn't acknowledging the vast differences between people, and i consider that willful ignorance, or worse, manipulation (when coming from politicians the latter especially). or, well, bad pronoun usage. guess which is the lesser sin in my eyes. :)

-piranha

Re: pronoun use and abuse

[rowanf.livejournal.com]

I don't actually have any evidence that you *do* read my journal. You have responded to a partial quote in someone else's.

But thanks for softening the blow. I shouldn't have reacted so strongly to your telling me what I needed to do. Thus begin flame wars. I can only plead to being annoyed at being taken to task out of context..