firecat

I have a problem with people who are emotionally extravagant.

(I consider this my problem and not theirs.)

I wonder why.

Is it because I wanted to be that way myself and had my emotional extravagance suppressed somewhere along the way?

(I do remember having occasional bouts of emotional extravagance suppressed when I was a teenager, but I don't remember wanting to be that way as a general rule.) ( I also remember learning that I had to be invisible in order not to attract tormenting from other kids. Maybe that was a form of suppression that I still resent now.)

Is it because I have a problem with all extravagance?

(I do have a problem with many, but not all, kinds of extravagance. But not to the same extent as emotional extravagance. Material extravagance sometimes fascinates me and sometimes makes me roll my eyes and sometimes bothers me on an intellectual level because of the unfair distribution of resources it implies. Emotional extravagance offends me personally.)

Is it because I think it uses up limited emotional resources?

(Yes, this is definitely part of it. But emotional resources, while finite, are not finite in the same zero-sum way that physical resources are. So I think this belief is based on some inaccuracies.)

There are elements of jealousy and envy in this problem.

Based on my understanding of the way my jealousy and envy works:

--The jealousy means that I believe I deserve something and someone is taking it away from me, so I want to erase them.: Do I believe I deserve not to have to witness or deal with people's emotional extravagance? (Yes.) Do I believe I deserve to be emotionally extravagant myself, only I can't because other people have taken it away from me? (Yes.)
--The envy means that I want (as opposed to "deserve") to be emotionally extravagant and feel that others have appropriated all the resources.

Disclaimer: Not a roundabout way of being catty, or an attempt at indirect communication with anybody

Do you have any confessions to make today?

Current Mood: curious

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From:

firecat

That sounds more like an attitude of "what you don't know won't hurt you.

I think of it as an attitude of "I won't assume the worst without specific evidence." The person might be feeling smug/superior, but a little smile doesn't tell me that in particular.

Again, it's not emotionalism itself that bothers me, but the underlying characteristic (in these cases) that turns me off. When someone is honest, respectful, self-aware, clear-headed, kind-hearted, and genuine, and is also emotionally expressive - WOW!! I love that!

I'd like to be there. Sometimes I am - rather a lot more than I used to be - but sometimes even emotional expressions I believe likely to be genuine in all those ways bother me if they take certain forms.

I think sometimes what happens is that I compare myself to the person expressing themselves in a genuine way and I think "I can't do that," and feel bad about myself.

I don't feel cognitive dissonance about your emotional states. You're very clear about what you want, and you don't seem to expect effusiveness from me. The kind of responses I naturally offer seem to be within the range of responses you want, most of the time. (As opposed to when someone is upset and I try to offer support and I am left feeling like they think "Well, that wasn't good enough.")

PS: I also read some of what you have been writing here and think "How can J like me? I'm exactly all the things she says she doesn't like - cramped, silent, etc. etc." :-)

From:

bastette-joyce.livejournal.com

Unfortunately I don't have time to respond to this in depth at the moment - I'm trying to get ready for Elderflower, and at the same time I'm dealing with that stupid virus (which by the way, explains why I couldn't cut and paste text). But I couldn't ignore your comment about wondering how I could like you!! :-O

I do like you a lot. We share a lot of stuff, and I respect your thinking and intelligence a lot. I would like to discuss this in more depth later (probably when I get back, but maybe I'll have time later tonight). I think we should take it to email for (1) privacy reasons, and (2) because this discussion is getting way too indented! :)

But the important issue is that, just because I happen to like a certain trait a lot (emotional expressiveness, verbal openness about feelings, inner life, etc), doesn't mean I can't like someone who doesn't have those traits. ALso, it's a contiuum, not a binary. You do talk about emotions - more sometimes, less other times. Right now seems to be a time when you feel pretty strongly that you don't want to talk about your feelings very much at all. That can be frustrating for me at times, but it doesn't mean I can't appreciate other things about you.

More later!