Love Languages quiz thing thoughts

[firecat]

Love Languages

I've tried several times to fill it out, and I can't. The way I express love and how I take in how others express love is quite specific to each relationship. I have personal preferences, but over time they seem to get less and less pronounced. For example, I've historically had a very strong need for expressing love via touch, but I also have loving, romantic (but not sexual) relationships with several people who aren't much into touch.



Also, the quiz doesn't get at how, when a language that isn't often used in a relationship is used, the impact tends to be more powerful, irrespective of how much I prefer that language as a regular thing. And when a relationship that has tended to rely on a particular language suddenly changes so that another language is frequently used instead, that can be jarring even if I like both languages. (It can be a very pleasant sort of jarring, but jarring nonetheless.)

I can answer what's true in my current relationships.

In my romantic/sexual relationships, touch is very important in all of them. Quality time is very important in all of them. Verbal affirmation is important in all of them. "Acts of service" are important in some of them. Gifts are not frequent or especially important in any of them, but in most of them inexpensive thoughtful gifts are delightfully given and received occasionally, and this sharing enhances the relationships.

In my current not-sexual relationships (romantic or not-romantic [note, I have an odd definition of "romantic": a relationship that frequently focuses on itself], verbal affirmation and acts of service seem most important, with quality time after that.

I'm less of a native speaker of the "acts of service" language than some of the others, but because it's important to some of the people I'm involved with, especially the OH, I am learning how to speak it and what my partners mean when they speak it.

I'd say in my primary relationship "acts of service" is a more important / more frequently used language than "verbal affirmation," although there's a lot of that too; and in my other sexual/romantic relationships it's the other way around.

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Also, the quiz doesn't get at how, when a language that isn't often used in a relationship is used, the impact tends to be more powerful, irrespective of how much I prefer that language as a regular thing.

Yes, that makes it difficult for me as well. I skimmed the Love Languages book once. The only thing I really remember is that touch is very low for me.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

What was hard for me about that quiz was that the important things for me are the ones that disappear. So that if both of us speak touch as a love language, and the other person doesn't speak affirmation (or doesn't speak my dialect of affirmation), affirmation gets much more important to me.

And the quiz designer's definition of "acts of service" is way different from mine. Helping with chores isn't love to me, it's companionship. In housemates, lovers or otherwise, it's responsibility. But seeing a chore undone or a job that needs doing and taking it on so I won't have to can feel like love. Making me a sandwich in the morning before I go to work is love; helping me fold the laundry when folding the laundry is my job can be loving, but it's different.

[firecat]

Yes, I've had that tendency at times (to feel that the languages which aren't being used are more important). I don't tend to feel that way a lot currently, for some reason - probably partly because most of my social needs are met at the moment.

I agree that various kinds of "acts of service" feel different.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

It's an interesting thing you mention here. Until I was in a relationship with Pat, I never thought of gifts as being a big deal. They've taken on a much higher importance with me, as parts of her.

In general, they don't make up much of my 'language of love', but in particular, they do.

[dandelion-diva.livejournal.com]

I foudn myself going through the quiz saying "But...why do I have to pick? I *can't* pick! Both choices are great and I don't want to give up one!"

So, I didn't get very far. Oh darn.;)

Gessi