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firecatI have been fostering Oc's semi-feral cat, Silver. Never a very friendly cat to begin with, she was acting increasingly cranky and stressed. I decided there was nothing more I could do to help socialize her and I took her to the animal shelter yesterday.
After I told them about her history and her recent behavior, they said she was not adoptable and recommended I release her for euthanasia. They said they would be willing to keep her for a couple of days, but they felt it would only increase her stress. So I decided to have her euthanized.
Afterwards, I had a very rough time of it. I don't think I've ever felt such pain. I felt heartbroken and guilty and complicit and full of "what if's." I felt like I had made the wrong decision for the wrong reasons -- convenience and cold curiosity.
I did what I could to console myself -- let OH hold me and made him listen to some of the nasty things I was saying to myself, petted my nice cuddly cat Selkie a lot, watched the Babylon 5 episode "Sleeping in Light," wrote more of the nasty things I was saying to myself in my journal, compulsively read The Economist (you know you are hurting when you read about the September 11 tragedy to distract yourself), stood out in the thunderstorm and soaked myself to the bone, did a shamanic journey and ritually cleaned up Silver's room, stayed up too late reading the net, read Rilke poetry, ate a bowl of cereal with cream. Even after all that I lay there for what felt like forever, feeling cold and wrapping up in more and more blankets, before I got to sleep.
This morning I woke up far too early, but with a comforting dream-message (Oc entering the room and saying "Love"). I was lying in bed obsessing about Silver and I suddenly remembered how Silver had been behaving when I had her in the big wire dog crate, before putting her in the bathroom. In the cage, she scarcely ate or drank, and she got pretty dehydrated. I realize that if I had left her at the shelter she would have done the same and felt miserable for the few days they might have kept her. So I am feeling more like I did the right thing after all.
After I told them about her history and her recent behavior, they said she was not adoptable and recommended I release her for euthanasia. They said they would be willing to keep her for a couple of days, but they felt it would only increase her stress. So I decided to have her euthanized.
Afterwards, I had a very rough time of it. I don't think I've ever felt such pain. I felt heartbroken and guilty and complicit and full of "what if's." I felt like I had made the wrong decision for the wrong reasons -- convenience and cold curiosity.
I did what I could to console myself -- let OH hold me and made him listen to some of the nasty things I was saying to myself, petted my nice cuddly cat Selkie a lot, watched the Babylon 5 episode "Sleeping in Light," wrote more of the nasty things I was saying to myself in my journal, compulsively read The Economist (you know you are hurting when you read about the September 11 tragedy to distract yourself), stood out in the thunderstorm and soaked myself to the bone, did a shamanic journey and ritually cleaned up Silver's room, stayed up too late reading the net, read Rilke poetry, ate a bowl of cereal with cream. Even after all that I lay there for what felt like forever, feeling cold and wrapping up in more and more blankets, before I got to sleep.
This morning I woke up far too early, but with a comforting dream-message (Oc entering the room and saying "Love"). I was lying in bed obsessing about Silver and I suddenly remembered how Silver had been behaving when I had her in the big wire dog crate, before putting her in the bathroom. In the cage, she scarcely ate or drank, and she got pretty dehydrated. I realize that if I had left her at the shelter she would have done the same and felt miserable for the few days they might have kept her. So I am feeling more like I did the right thing after all.
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Date: 25 Sep 2001 08:24 am (UTC)It does sound like you did the best you could for her, though. If she truly wasn't happy, and there was no way to get her into a situation where she *could* be happy safely, then sometimes there's not much you can do except let go.
I sort of felt the same way when they put my pony, Dorothy, dow - she'd been colicking every year or so for over five years, then, and was getting progressively more tender in her feet (so she wasn't allowed to jump anymore) and her life was getting more and more limited. They could have kept her going, but she was enjoying life less and less, and letting her go let her go on - and maybe come back as a new and bright-eyed foal, ready to defy gravity and all of the physical possibilities of the equine body.
You tried hard to give her a good chance at a better life than being hit by a car or any of the other horrible things that can happen to feral cats. You tried to help her learn to relax and deal with people. You didn't abandon her on a roadside, or let her be tormented longer than she needed to be, once you realised there wasn't any chance she'd adapt.
Me, I wish there were more people as concerned about animals as you. It'd be a much better world.
no subject
Date: 25 Sep 2001 08:38 am (UTC)I think she was happy at Oc's, but Oc had to move and couldn't take her. Part of me feels a bit selfish (better than "hugely selfish," the way I felt yesterday) that I couldn't spare a bit of space under my furniture for her. But I think it would have been unrealistic.