Parents and children negotiating gender assumptions

[firecat]

This article was going around Facebook:

http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/babies/article/995112--parents-keep-child-s-gender-secret

This reminds me of the anecdote about psychologist Sandra Bem's son, as told in her book An Unconventional Family. One day her four-year-old son, Jeremy, decided to wear barrettes in his hair to school. She wrote:

Several times that day, another little boy had asserted that Jeremy must be a girl, not a boy, because "only girls wear barrettes." After repeatedly insisting that "Wearing barrettes doesn't matter; I have a penis and testicles," Jeremy finally pulled down his pants to make his point more convincingly. The other boy was not impressed. He simply said, "Everybody has a penis; only girls wear barrettes."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandra_Bem

Comments

[teigh_corvus]

I can only imagine the response this article got on facebook.
I love the names they picked for their kids, though I'm more than a little doubtful on the whole unschooling concept.

Thanks for sharing the link.

[staranise]

I've seen unschooling work really well, especially if there's enough socialization--a really common tactic is to find something the kid is passionate about but the parents can't provide, and then enroll them in extracurricular classes, or find a school that's willing to let them come in for one subject.

I've seen less evidence for a genderless upbringing, though I privately suspect it's probably only "difficult" for the same reasons growing up trans or gay are--the world isn't set up to accept you, even though your essential self isn't harmful at all.

[teigh_corvus]

I think the difficulty for me is that, even though I'm for non-traditional learning modalities, I've known far too many parents who homeschool poorly. I know that there's a difference in this style, but my knee-jerk response is doubt, since this seems to lack structure. And I agree with the socialization piece - *are* the kids getting the necessary socialization so they can function in the world, while maintaining their unique and authentic selves? If so, great. Tell me how I can help spread the news about the awesomeness of this education system [or not!system, as the case may be] so that more kids can avoid the trauma inherent in mainstream education. But if not... you're setting you setting your kids up for a world of hurt.

Perhaps raising children as genderless will be like homeschooling - one of those movements that start on a grassroots level, grows in popularity and gathers enough momentum to gain some acceptance. I'm rooting for it, for what it's worth.

The world isn't set up to accept you, even though your essential self isn't harmful at all.
This is heartbreakingly true.

[trinker]

I have seen good and bad homeschooling with an external curriculum, with a parent-driven curriculum, with a child driven (unschooling) curriculum...and good and bad traditional schooling.

I think it's too easy to point out the failures of unschooling, while disregarding the failures of other forms. (Then again, I've seen some really horrendous abuses that were possible because the children were isolated, and I'm not sweeping those under the carpet!)

[teigh_corvus]

I completely agree. There's no perfect type of schooling available, really. It sounds like the older children in this particular case are happy and getting enough outside socialization. But it also sounds like the eldest is starting to run into some problems - though not from his schooling. I wish there was an easy way to make room for children's unique selves in the world.

[flarenut]

I know I'm being picky about this, but I wish they weren't so in-your-face about the project. It would be wonderful if they could simply omit the kid's gender as if it was no big deal. (Oh, and even more picky: properly speaking, they're raising the kid without a public sex; they've pretty clearly created a gender for zir, just not one of the usual two.)

[firecat]

I know what you mean about the publicity. I'm glad I know some people who do omit the kid's gender as if it was no big deal.

everybody has a penis

[e4q.livejournal.com]

precious.

[chaos-by-design.livejournal.com]

Barrettes are the great penis destroyers of our time. :P

[clawbug.livejournal.com]

Freud would have been proud of Jeremy :-D

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

The other boy was clearly ahead of his time in terms of understanding the irrelevancy of biological sex to performative gender!

[innerdoggie.livejournal.com]

Indeed!

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

I used to wear barrettes when I was a small child, too. My mother told me that people might mistake me for a girl if I did so. I asked her why that would be a bad thing. She said that, if it didn't bother me, then it wasn't a bad thing, and bought the barrettes for me -- she had just wanted to let me know.

[pyrzqxgl.livejournal.com]

When my older son was quite small, he explained to some people (at the local LGBT center, of all places) that the difference between girls and boys was that girls have contact lenses and boys don't.

[firecat]

I love it!

[gmdreia.livejournal.com]

I used to think that the difference was that boys had short hair and girls had long hair, and being rather secure in my gender identity, I was HORRIFIED that my mother wanted to cut my hair into a short page-boy instead of letting me grow it long.

Nice to finally meet you, by the way! I've run into you off and on over the years in various friends' LJ threads, and around the web.

[firecat]

That would have been scary!

Nice to meet you too. (*bows*) I can see there's lots of good stuff to read on your journal...

[gmdreia.livejournal.com]

Not much yet, as I've recently relocated from another journal, but hopefully there'll be more as time passes. :)