Gender query: Self-consciousness of image

[firecat]

I read a blog called The Beheld.

In this post, "Recommended Reading," Autumn Whitefield-Madrano discusses Naomi Wolf's The Beauty Myth and recommends some books that "go beyond" and "work alongside" Wolf's book. One of them is Ways of Seeing by John Berger. Whitefield-Madrano includes the following quote from the book:

A woman must continually watch herself. She is almost continually accompanied by her own image of herself. Whilst she is walking across a room or whilst she is weeping at the death of her father, she can scarcely avoid envisaging herself walking or weeping. … And so she comes to consider the surveyor and the surveyed within her as the two constituent yet always distinct elements of her identity as a woman. … Thus she turns herself into an object—and most particularly an object of vision: a sight.

Whitefield-Madrano says that she relates to this quote.

I don't. Sometimes I dress to look and/or feel a certain way, but once I'm dressed, I don't go around constantly surveying myself. And when I do feel that way, I hate it.

So I'm trying to figure out whether this is in fact a part of being a woman or identifying as feminine (and thus my not doing it is part of my being genderqueer) or whether the author maybe doesn't know what he's talking about or is exaggerating what he's talking about (by using terms such as "continually" and "scarcely avoid").

I'd love for people of all genders to comment on this. What is your gender? Do you constantly watch yourself and feel aware of your image of yourself most of the time? Do you think women or people who identify as feminine usually do that?

Ways of Seeing was published in 1972. In what ways do you think enforced image self-consciousness for women or people who identify as feminine has changed since then?

Comments

[graymalkin13.livejournal.com]

I'm not current with genderqueer thought and writing, but I'll do my best to respond to this. I remember reading Ways of Seeing decades ago, but can't remember anything about the book. I think I liked it a lot at the time. The quote Whitefield-Madrano pulled out is conceptually consistent with the radical feminist theory I was reading in the 1980s and in that context, it still strikes me as well observed and well expressed. In other words, before feminism brought this constant self-auditing into the light, I think most women (probably including trans-women) in my culture and many others lived this way without even being aware of it. I believe that a lot of women still live this way. I would be interested in knowing whether this quote describes the experience of people of genders other than mine.

I am pansexual cis female. I would say I have a mostly feminine appearance. (By which I mean that I wear dresses 100 percent of the time and keep my hair as long as it will grow, but I don't wear makeup or non-flat shoes or nylons. I don't shave anywhere and I don't remove the small amount of facial hair I have.) But I experience myself as an androgynous being, not invested in "being a woman." I have various drives and fantasies that are considered "masculine" in my culture.

For much of my life, I often experienced what Berger describes. Even after exploring radical feminism and identifying with it, I was aware of my image most of the time. When I began to gain weight rapidly because of illness, my self-awareness turned into harsh self-criticism. It took years of work and interaction with the fat-acceptance community to find some acceptance of my body as it aged and my appearance became less "desirable."

These days, I'm not constantly surveying myself. I'm comfortable in the clothes I wear and I'm not trying to think of ways to "improve" my appearance (for example, by coloring my gray hair). My appearance is what it is, and I'm only conscious of it if someone comments on it. It's a much more serene way to live than the self-consciousness I had when I was younger.

In what ways do you think enforced image self-consciousness for women or people who identify as feminine has changed since then?

I'd guess that since the feminist discussion of "feminine" appearance entered mainstream culture (became more accessible to more women), it has created space for women to play with their image if they choose to do so -- even in small ways such as wearing green nail polish. So their image-consciousness could become pleasurable. It has also created the option of working to stop the constant self-surveying, by putting forth the idea that it's OK and liberating to do so.

As a side note, I find the notion of "people who identify as feminine" puzzling. It's not just because "feminine" has so many potential definitions. It's also because I don't think I've ever known well anyone who fits that description. I know people who identify as female, and people who prefer to look like the cultural standard of "feminine," but I really can't claim to understand people who specifically identify as feminine.