firecat

...to draw some defining lines around the phrase "emotional extravagance."

In my brain, it's still a fuzzy concept of the "I know it when it irritates me" variety.

It's not just, or even primarily, about displaying emotions. It's also, or even more, about stuff like amplifying one's emotions, spending a lot of time and energy thinking about and talking about one's emotions, expecting/wanting other people to spend a lot of time thinking/talking about one's emotions, letting one's emotions be primary drivers of one's actions, letting one's emotions be primary determinants of the life story one carries around in one's head and tells others.

(All that stuff would be happening publicly/semi-publicly in order to count, since if it's happening only inside one's head, I wouldn't know about it and it wouldn't irritate me.)

Unpacking "amplifying one's emotions": In my experience, if I have a feeling of mild to moderate intensity, I can do three things: I can leave it alone, I can damp/suppress it (not snuff it completely, but lower its intensity), or I can increase it / whip it up. Amplifying an emotion would be deliberately increasing its intensity.

More as it occurs to me.

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From:

bastette-joyce.livejournal.com

I don't enjoy people who exaggerate their emotions deliberately in order to manipulate others in some way (to get attention or sympathy, or to get someone to do something they want, etc). I get impatient with drama queens who have no sense of perspective about what is or is not a true crisis, and who drain my energy by demanding attention, support, rescuing/favors, etc., especially when they don't give back.

HOWEVER, having said that, I do very much enjoy, and in fact, require, my connections with others to be based on *genuine* emotions. If I can't talk about personal/ emotional issues with someone, then I don't feel close to them. That's the dividing line for me between a close friend and an acquaintance. I have some people in my life where we don't get into "personal space", but those relationships are secondary in my life. Usually they serve some specific purpose (such as co-worker), but there's not a lot of depth there.

I also find it unsatisfying when someone else doesn't like to talk about their emotional issues with me. With those people, I feel shut out and often bored. That's kind of a shame, because I'm at my best when listening to others talk about what they're feeling about things, giving emotional support, insights, and advice when asked for it. Other things, that I'm not so strong in, might be asked of me while my best qualities are wasted.

The tough situation for me is when someone I consider a close friend (or lover) *stops* wanting to relate to me in a personal and emotional way. In that case, a relationship that once felt close stops being satisfying to me. Once closeness has been established, it's hard to regress to something that I consider inferior.

Sadly, our culture doesn't value this kind of connection. First of all, an emotion-driven relationship is considered "feminine", which is automatically devalued in a sexist culture. Subjective, emotional experiences are sneered at in favor of "objective" and "rational" experiences, which are usually considered the masculine view of reality.

I don't actually believe that all men are objective and rational, and all women are subjective and emotional, but there are trends in those directions due to socialization. In other words, that's how we're taught to conform to our gender roles. But then women get a double whammy: not only are we expected to use just one way of expressing ourselves, but as a special bonus prize, "our" way is also considered inferior! But personally, except for the inferiority thing, I think women have it better. I feel much greater personal strength and power basing my choices and perspectives on emotions than I would on theories - or even worse, factoids.

Another problem I've encountered is that lots of people look at those of us who like to talk about feelings a lot as being into "psychobabble", overly focused on navel-gazing, being too new-agey or flaky or something. Or maybe psychologically screwed up - focused on emotional problems because those problems dominate our lives. None of these images are very, um, flattering - and believe me, I've heard them all.

The bottom line for me is, for a relationship to be meaningful, emotional expression and sharing has to be at the center of things. I don't know if that would be considered "extravagant", but I consider it a necessary expense. :)

Joyce