firecat

...to draw some defining lines around the phrase "emotional extravagance."

In my brain, it's still a fuzzy concept of the "I know it when it irritates me" variety.

It's not just, or even primarily, about displaying emotions. It's also, or even more, about stuff like amplifying one's emotions, spending a lot of time and energy thinking about and talking about one's emotions, expecting/wanting other people to spend a lot of time thinking/talking about one's emotions, letting one's emotions be primary drivers of one's actions, letting one's emotions be primary determinants of the life story one carries around in one's head and tells others.

(All that stuff would be happening publicly/semi-publicly in order to count, since if it's happening only inside one's head, I wouldn't know about it and it wouldn't irritate me.)

Unpacking "amplifying one's emotions": In my experience, if I have a feeling of mild to moderate intensity, I can do three things: I can leave it alone, I can damp/suppress it (not snuff it completely, but lower its intensity), or I can increase it / whip it up. Amplifying an emotion would be deliberately increasing its intensity.

More as it occurs to me.

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From:

elynne.livejournal.com

Hm. I'm trying to figure out if I see myself as "emotionally extravagant" by your definition. I'm curious, and asking this in a completely not-upset *handwave* way: do you see me as behaving emotionally extravagantly? Consistently, or occasionally?

Sometimes I do indulge my emotions, and let them make decisions for me. Other times, not. I dunno. In poking at the idea, I find that I'm not bothered by emotional extravagance per se; mostly, I'm thoroughly disgusted with drama queening, which I see as amplifying emotions specifically to garner reactions from other.

If a person is feeling extravagantly emotional for whatever reason and wants to talk about it, that's one thing; if a person is feeling extravagantly emotional and wants to talk about it in order to get a specific response, that's another. I'll also add that when a person is up front about what kind of response they want - along the lines of

egoboo, or just saying "I'm feeling fragile/happy right now, I'd like to get support in this way" - it doesn't annoy me at all. That gives me the option of not responding at all, if my reaction to the situation is not what they are looking for. It gives me the information I need to make an informed decision, as opposed to flailing around (heh), being excessively emotional, and then lashing out at people who give the "wrong" reactions.

More words later, maybe. :]

From:

firecat

In my opinion, you behave in an emotionally extravagant way sometimes, and other times not at all. I'm willing to be more specific, but I won't without your permission.

I realize something about my concept, reading your 3d paragraph: I think feeling emotional - even intensely so - isn't "emotional extravagance" per se. Emotional extravagance is about how one behaves, not how one feels. Internally, I guess it's also about the level of reaction as compared to the degree of stimulus. If one gets very upset over a glass of spilled milk, I think that's emotionally extravagant. If one gets very upset over one's cat being sick, that's not extravagant. Just like paying $2,000 for a watch is extravagant, but paying $2,000 for a computer isn't.

(It's definitely a judgement call about whether an emotional reaction fits a stimulus. The whole concept involves a judgement call that it's probably not very nice to make about someone else. Which is why I describe it as "my problem.")

Regarding flailing/lashing, I think that qualifies as emotionally extravagant in that the flailing/lashing tends to end up creating more intense emotions and reactions all round. In some cases it's manipulative, and in other cases a person just acts from emotion without really knowing yet what response they want. Both bug me, but the manipulative variety bugs me more.