Are you two-faced?

[firecat]

I made some comments about this in someone else's journal (the entry is friends-locked, so not identified) and it got me to wondering.

If you have a problem with how someone behaves--

• Under what circumstances do you tell them?
• Under what circumstances do you not tell them but tell other people who know them?
  
  • If you tell others, do you care whether those comments to get back to the person?
  • If you want that not to happen, do you do anything to prevent it?
  • Do your prevention mechanisms work?
• Under what circumstances do you not tell anyone (or only one or two confidants)?

If someone has a problem with how you behave--

• Under what circumstances do you want to be told?
• Under what circumstances do you not want to be told?
• Do you think people say things behind your back that are different from what they say to your face?
  • If so, does this bother you?
  • If it bothers you, do you do anything about it?
  • What do you do?

Comments

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

Am I two-faced? Yes, I am. I think we all are to a certain extent.

I have to be pretty close to someone to tell them I have a problem with any aspect of their behaviour, even if it affects me directly. I have to be pretty close to someone before they get to admonish me about my behaviour, unless I've hurt them directly and specifically. As for the other questions, I tried to answer them, but there are so many qualifiers and circustances under which those answers would change that my only real answer to most of them is "sometimes".

I know people say things behind my back - I think it's unrealistic for anyone to believe that people don't talk about people behind their backs, it happens all the time. It only bothers me to the extent that I hope people on the receiving end of what is said judge me by their dealing with me, and not by what is said by someone else. I hope that people judge people I talk about by their dealings with that person, and not by something I say about them, especially if I'm feeling emotionally fraught about them at the time I'm talking.

Most of the time I simply don't worry about what is said about me. There's not much I can do about it; life's too short; and I'm busy forming, maintaining, nurturing and repairing the relationships that are important to me.