Are you two-faced?

[firecat]

I made some comments about this in someone else's journal (the entry is friends-locked, so not identified) and it got me to wondering.

If you have a problem with how someone behaves--

• Under what circumstances do you tell them?
• Under what circumstances do you not tell them but tell other people who know them?
  
  • If you tell others, do you care whether those comments to get back to the person?
  • If you want that not to happen, do you do anything to prevent it?
  • Do your prevention mechanisms work?
• Under what circumstances do you not tell anyone (or only one or two confidants)?

If someone has a problem with how you behave--

• Under what circumstances do you want to be told?
• Under what circumstances do you not want to be told?
• Do you think people say things behind your back that are different from what they say to your face?
  • If so, does this bother you?
  • If it bothers you, do you do anything about it?
  • What do you do?

Comments

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

Great questions! (I just glanced at nellorat's answer, but I think we're pretty close.)

If I have a problem with someone's behavior, I tell them if they ask or if we have a prior agreement that they want to know. Otherwise, I tell them if I surmise/hallucinate that they want to know and/or if I feel that we're close enough that not telling them is a form of lying to them.

I tell other people if telling other people makes me feel better about the problem, and/or if I surmise/hallucinate that other people feel the same way and will feel better if they know their feeling is shared. In almost all cases, I don't say anything about a third party that I'm not willing to have that third party hear through the grapevine. I will often say "I prefer that you not tell X I said this about zir, but it's up to you." Since I won't work at prevention, I can't speak to whether my prevention mechanisms work.

If I think it's important that my opinion not get back to the person in question, I tell only one or two confidants. I'm terrible at the "not telling anyone" stuff, though if I have even one person to talk to, I'm usually perfectly comfortable.

If someone has a problem with me, I generally want to be told, although I won't pretend that hearing it is always comfortable. I don't want to be told if it's something I can't fix, and I certainly don't want to be told in nasty or hypercritical ways.
I assume people say things behind my back that are different than what they say to my face; I wish it weren't so, but I view it generally as human nature (although I think that term is more cultural than "natural"). If I become aware of a specific instance that concerns me, I usually go to the source and ask.

None of this would be complete if I didn't add that I believe most of what is said about me behind my back that I don't hear is complimentary; I believe this because most of what people tell me about third parties that they don't tell the third parties is complimentary. I've made a lifelong habit of passing compliments along to the people they're about, and it consistently amazes me how often people are surprised to know that compliments circulate behind their backs. Mo

So I don't want a conversation about what happens behind people's backs to become a conversation only about insults.

[elisem.livejournal.com]

Hear, hear. Especially that last bit.

E,
self-avowed member of the Ad-Hoc Task Force for the Redistribution of Third-Party Compliments, and not up to writing a whole response on this now, but pondering it. (Good questions!)