Are you two-faced?

[firecat]

I made some comments about this in someone else's journal (the entry is friends-locked, so not identified) and it got me to wondering.

If you have a problem with how someone behaves--

• Under what circumstances do you tell them?
• Under what circumstances do you not tell them but tell other people who know them?
  
  • If you tell others, do you care whether those comments to get back to the person?
  • If you want that not to happen, do you do anything to prevent it?
  • Do your prevention mechanisms work?
• Under what circumstances do you not tell anyone (or only one or two confidants)?

If someone has a problem with how you behave--

• Under what circumstances do you want to be told?
• Under what circumstances do you not want to be told?
• Do you think people say things behind your back that are different from what they say to your face?
  • If so, does this bother you?
  • If it bothers you, do you do anything about it?
  • What do you do?

Comments

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

In relationship to others: Generally, I will tell them if it's going to affect the relationship I have with them, unless it's a very casual relationship. I generally don't tell anyone anything that I care if it gets back to the other person.

If I care if it gets back to them, I generally don't tell anyone until I've discussed it with the other person, and if I do, I don't identify who it is, and go to some pain to keep who it is hidden. All of that goes out the door if I'm discussing it with a partner, though. They generally know who and what, because I'll use them as a sanity check.

If someone has a problem with me: If it's going to affect the relationship (whatever it is) I have with them, I want to know what's wrong. I may choose not to do anything about it, but that at least gives me a choice, because it may be something I either don't realize I'm doing, or something that it's no big deal to change. If it's something I don't want to change, then the other person gets to make a choice about whether or not it's worth it to them to continue the relationship. If it's the piddly minorly annoying stuff, I leave it to that person whether or not to bring it up.

I'm sure things are said behind my back that don't match what is said to my face. It bothers me when I know it's a pattern of behavior with that person, and I will take steps to distance myself from that person. I also take pains to keep that person from any further information about my personal life, though. Generally, though, I don't worry about it. I can't change another person's behavior, I can only change mine.

I guess it bothers me the most when that person has nothing good to say about me in private, but is constantly friendly to my face. That is my definition of two-faced - can't be honest about their real feelings either way. And I'll do a lot to avoid someone like that.