Are you two-faced?

[firecat]

I made some comments about this in someone else's journal (the entry is friends-locked, so not identified) and it got me to wondering.

If you have a problem with how someone behaves--

• Under what circumstances do you tell them?
• Under what circumstances do you not tell them but tell other people who know them?
  
  • If you tell others, do you care whether those comments to get back to the person?
  • If you want that not to happen, do you do anything to prevent it?
  • Do your prevention mechanisms work?
• Under what circumstances do you not tell anyone (or only one or two confidants)?

If someone has a problem with how you behave--

• Under what circumstances do you want to be told?
• Under what circumstances do you not want to be told?
• Do you think people say things behind your back that are different from what they say to your face?
  • If so, does this bother you?
  • If it bothers you, do you do anything about it?
  • What do you do?

Comments

[jinian.livejournal.com]

If I have a problem with how someone behaves:
I tell them if I expect them to change, or if I want them to know why I'm annoyed. People I have no relationship with, I generally will not tell; people I'm close to will certainly heaer about it; others are in the middle.
I tell others who (may) know them if I just need to vent and don't feel like it's something that would usually bother me. Comments getting back to the person is a friendship-breaker, as I have learned to make it clear that venting will take place and mean nothing beyond the moment. People can opt out if they don't feel up to that. Generally this works. (Note that I don't tell all the person's friends, or anything like that. It's just that the set of people I want to rant to may include people who also know the person I'm annoyed with.)
I don't tell many people if it's a situation in which I have no right to complain about the person and no reason to think things are going to change. Usually this is a step in figuring out how I can create a situation in which I am not bothered by the person any more.


If someone has a problem with how I behave:
I think I always want to hear that someone has a problem with my behavior, but how I'm told is important. I can be pretty vulnerable to criticism, and I can get very defensive if I feel like someone's saying they have a right to dictate what I do.
Sometimes I think people say things behind your back that are different from what they say to my face, and it bothers me some. But I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I work, so they get to bitch about me to their friends too. I figure if they had an issue they wanted my involvement in, they'd bring things to me directly.