firecat

I made some comments about this in someone else's journal (the entry is friends-locked, so not identified) and it got me to wondering.

If you have a problem with how someone behaves--

Under what circumstances do you tell them?
Under what circumstances do you not tell them but tell other people who know them?
- If you tell others, do you care whether those comments to get back to the person?
- If you want that not to happen, do you do anything to prevent it?
- Do your prevention mechanisms work?
Under what circumstances do you not tell anyone (or only one or two confidants)?

If someone has a problem with how you behave--

Under what circumstances do you want to be told?
Under what circumstances do you not want to be told?
Do you think people say things behind your back that are different from what they say to your face?
- If so, does this bother you?
- If it bothers you, do you do anything about it?
- What do you do?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

pir-anha.livejournal.com

i don't think i am two-faced; i tend not to say one thing to a person while i really believe another, and especially not when i am asked for my opinion. unless one considers basic civility two-faced -- i am generally civil even to people i do not like, generally, because i believe basic civility is a good thing in a society where i have to live with others in some harmony. i won't pretend i like somebody when i don't, and i won't pretend i like behaviour when i don't. but that doesn't require that i walk around telling everybody exactly what i think all the time either.

if i have a problem with how somebody behaves, it depends on a combination of things whether i'll mention it to zir:

- we are really close and it's affecting our relationship negatively, or
- the person presents a danger to me, or a dire danger to others, and
- i have some hope that me saying something will change the behaviour in question.

if i don't tell zir, but tell somebody else who might or might not know zir, that usually means i am venting. i don't particularly want my vents to get back to the person, since i am less than fair when i vent, ergo i tend to vent to people who can keep such things to themselves. yeah, my prevention mechanisms work; i am pretty good at picking trustworthy confidants. if i am just yakking to somebody more random, then i don't care whether it gets back to the person; i don't say things under those circumstances that i don't stand behind, and i know people gossip.

i want to be told about problems with my behaviour under similar circumstances. i don't care at all to hear such things from random people (unless what i am doing falls into the "danger" category, or is just supremely clueless about something). yeah, some people say things behind my back that are different from what they say to my face. yes, two-facedness bothers me, just on general principle, even when i am not involved. i do something about it when somebody tries to repeatedly gossip negatively to me; i'll tell zir that i don't care for it, and that i won't keep dirty little secrets.

good gossip bothers me less, but it still bothers me some, because i believe people are entitled to tell their own stories, and not have them relayed through third parties. complimentary stuff is neat, and i encourage others (and myself) to say such things directly more often. i do say complimentary things about people to others, and i re-tell them if i hear them; that aspect of gossip is my favourite.