Comment on loneliness, and on the theoretical existence of people who "want to be miserable."

[firecat]

Comment I made in this post at living400lbs about loneliness. (Someone suggested that some people choose to be lonely because they "want to be miserable and 'play the victim'. I suppose people like that might exist but I don't think I've met very many of them. Most of the people I know who are persistently unhappy don't seem to be deliberately choosing it, but seem to have health and life challenges that are creating difficulty. Some such people might be able to learn better coping skills and change their loneliness or unhappiness, but that still doesn't mean that their unhappiness is chosen.)

I get lonely under two conditions. If either of these conditions applies, I will feel lonely whether or not I am around other people.

1. I am tired. (I was happy when I figured that one out. If only everything were fixable by having a good sleep!)

2. I am depressed. In which case it might seem from the outside that I am choosing to be lonely, because I tend to act cranky and cynical, which drives people away. But I am not choosing. One way that depression manifests itself for me is that I have a lot fewer behavior choices.

Comments

[firecat]

I used to think I had that kind of insight into other people's problems or "games," but I've come to believe that I rarely have a better understanding of someone else's life than they do. At this point, if I see one thing and they see something else, I assume I don't have the whole picture.

[serene]

Yes, this. Thank you.

[anansi133]

It's not so much that I think there's a larger understanding where all of this stuff seems like playground politics: when I'm stuck in a rut, it's just as insurmountable to me.

I was instead trying to point to the inpenetrability of this stuff. Just because I think someone's playing some kind of game, doesn't mean I understand anything important about it.

I wanted to say "racket", but that's Forum-speak, and they have everything trademarked up the yin yang. You might say it's one of their rackets.

[firecat]

Forum-speak

Oh, I see. Excuse me while I recalibrate my filters.

I was instead trying to point to the inpenetrability of this stuff. Just because I think someone's playing some kind of game, doesn't mean I understand anything important about it.

That makes sense.

In what circumstances do you decide that someone's playing some kind of game, as opposed to just muddling through life, or whatever? Does interpreting their behavior as a game help you, and if so how?

I do make interpretations when someone's behavior directly affects me, especially if I find their behavior uncomfortable, but otherwise I try pretty hard not to interpret people's behavior (except to acknowledge that everyone wants to be happy and to avoid suffering). I find I am more content that way.