Comment on loneliness, and on the theoretical existence of people who "want to be miserable."

[firecat]

Comment I made in this post at living400lbs about loneliness. (Someone suggested that some people choose to be lonely because they "want to be miserable and 'play the victim'. I suppose people like that might exist but I don't think I've met very many of them. Most of the people I know who are persistently unhappy don't seem to be deliberately choosing it, but seem to have health and life challenges that are creating difficulty. Some such people might be able to learn better coping skills and change their loneliness or unhappiness, but that still doesn't mean that their unhappiness is chosen.)

I get lonely under two conditions. If either of these conditions applies, I will feel lonely whether or not I am around other people.

1. I am tired. (I was happy when I figured that one out. If only everything were fixable by having a good sleep!)

2. I am depressed. In which case it might seem from the outside that I am choosing to be lonely, because I tend to act cranky and cynical, which drives people away. But I am not choosing. One way that depression manifests itself for me is that I have a lot fewer behavior choices.

Comments

[trouble]

... did someone really argue that?

Gosh, I guess those people with clinical depression need to just cheer up!
*sigh*
*hug*

[firecat]

[hugback]

I just hope the person will read my follow-up and maybe learn something they didn't know.

[trouble]

My faith in people is not very high at the moment, sadly.

*hug*

[kitrona]

This is a very good point. There's also the pov (not necessarily incompatible with yours) that some people just don't know HOW to be happy, and that they've lived with being unhappy for so long that it's gotten to be a rut that they can't get out of. It's their comfort zone, and to go outside that is scary. They're still not CHOOSING to be unhappy; they just can't get out of it.

Then there's the actual mental issues that give the appearance of choosing to be unhappy, but the motivations behind the actions that make up this appearance are totally different.

[anansi133]

I don't know about "wanting to be miserable", but I think it's pretty common where people are less than honest with themselves about their internal games. There are payoffs to some of these games that don't seem like payoffs, and to look at them head on can be pretty devastating.

I've learned the hard way that when someone has a blind spot about a game they're playing, no amount of pointing to that game will ever work. There's always another way to see it where they're not in control of the important part of the game. You can point directly to the center of the blind spot, and they'll see something else and get annoyed with you.

I just hope I'm less pigheaded than that when my turn comes around, but I don't think I'm any more gracious about it.

I think the bottom line has to do with emotional safety: we get to work on this stuff out in the open, only to the degree where we feel safe and supported. There's usually not that much safety to go around.

[firecat]

I used to think I had that kind of insight into other people's problems or "games," but I've come to believe that I rarely have a better understanding of someone else's life than they do. At this point, if I see one thing and they see something else, I assume I don't have the whole picture.

[serene]

Yes, this. Thank you.

[anansi133]

It's not so much that I think there's a larger understanding where all of this stuff seems like playground politics: when I'm stuck in a rut, it's just as insurmountable to me.

I was instead trying to point to the inpenetrability of this stuff. Just because I think someone's playing some kind of game, doesn't mean I understand anything important about it.

I wanted to say "racket", but that's Forum-speak, and they have everything trademarked up the yin yang. You might say it's one of their rackets.

[firecat]

Forum-speak

Oh, I see. Excuse me while I recalibrate my filters.

I was instead trying to point to the inpenetrability of this stuff. Just because I think someone's playing some kind of game, doesn't mean I understand anything important about it.

That makes sense.

In what circumstances do you decide that someone's playing some kind of game, as opposed to just muddling through life, or whatever? Does interpreting their behavior as a game help you, and if so how?

I do make interpretations when someone's behavior directly affects me, especially if I find their behavior uncomfortable, but otherwise I try pretty hard not to interpret people's behavior (except to acknowledge that everyone wants to be happy and to avoid suffering). I find I am more content that way.