Notes from the Field

[firecat]

Dan Savage writes:

The true measure of a man's love isn't that he doesn't desire others, PC, but that he doesn't act on his desire for others.

Euuuugh.

Comments

[redbird]

Ugh indeed. But the context for that was even weirder--all those "I don't like my boyfriend looking at porn" letters.

[red-frog.livejournal.com]

He did point out earlier that men will look regardless of the number of girlfriends they have. :)

What always low-level annoys me when the subject came up is the implicit suggestion that women don't look--in this column, in the suggestion that if you don't want a partner who looks then you should date a woman (dog, or blind person). It's not surprising that DS should not be well acquainted with women as part of a sexual relationship, but I tire of feeling tarred with the same brush as those who freak out because their male partner looks.

waitaminnit

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

i don't necessarily disagree with that.

i mean, i'm thinking here of my own history, and some of what i've witnessed with poly friends.

a man who promises to slow down partner-adding and *sticks to that promise* is not acting on his desire for others. he's demonstrating his love for his other partners by keeping his promise.

it's not the only measure of love, but it certainly can be a measure of honesty, and commitment, which can be an expression of love.

n.

Re: waitaminnit

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that the demonstration of love is specifically that the promise is being kept, regardless of whether it's a promise to (temporarily or permanently) not act on a desire for others, or a promise to clean the catbox every day.

If I were to rewrite the original quote in such a way that it made sense to me, it would probably be closer something like, "The true measure of a man's love isn't that he doesn't desire others, but that he doesn't act on that desire against his current partner['s|s'] wishes."

Re: waitaminnit

[lysana.livejournal.com]

I'm sufficiently cynical about Savage that I find myself wondering if he's hoping to bait some folks in the polyamory community (phrase used loosely) to pelt him with letters. He did it for a while with some underinformed remarks on bisexuality.

Re: waitaminnit

[firecat]

I wouldn't be surprised if he were. But I know a lot of people do really agree with that statement, and it was kind of squicky to be reminded just then.

Re: waitaminnit

[firecat]

I think that behavior is an expression of love, but not so much because of his "not acting on his desire" as because of his making a promise out of love and fufilling the promise out of love.

I also don't think it's "the true measure" of love.

[crazed-lynn.livejournal.com]

But True Love is all about sacrifice, isn't it? </sarcasm>