Geeking over poetry translation

[firecat]

Within is a table containing four translations of the poem "Pod jednq gwiazdkq" by Wisława Szymborska.

Pod jednq gwiazdkq

Wisława Szymborska

beneath one little star czerniawski	under one small star baránczak & cavanagh	under a certain little star trzeciak	under a certain little star krynski & maguire
my apologies to the accidental for calling it necessary.	my apologies to chance for calling it necessity.	my apologies to chance for calling it necessity.	i apologize to coincidence for calling it necessity.
however, apologies to necessity if i happen to be wrong.	my apologies to necessity if i’m mistaken, after all.	my apologies to necessity in case i’m mistaken.	i apologize to necessity just in case i’m mistaken.
hope happiness won’t be angry if i claim it as my own.	please, don’t be angry, happiness, that i take you as my due.	don’t be angry, happiness, that i take you for my own.	let happiness be not angry that i take it as my own.
may the dead forget that they barely smolder in my remembrance.	may my dead be patient with the way my memories fade.	may the dead forgive me that their memory’s just a flicker.	let the dead not remember they scarcely smolder in my memory.
apologies to time for the abundance of the world missed every second	my apologies to time for all the world i overlook each second.	my apologies to time for the quantity of world overlooked per second.	i apologize to time for the muchness of the world overlooked per second.
apologies to my old love for treating the new as the first.	my apologies to past loves for thinking that the latest is the first.	my apologies to an old love for treating a new one as the first.	i apologize to old love for regarding the new as the first.
forgive me, distant wars, for bringing flowers home.	forgive me, distant wars, for bringing flowers home.	forgive me, far-off wars, for carrying my flowers home.	forgive me, far-off wars, for bringing flowers home.
forgive me, open wounds, that i prick my finger.	forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger.	forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger	forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger.
apologies to those calling from the abyss for a record of a minuet.	i apologize for my record of minuets to those who cry from the depths.	my apologies for the minuet record, to those calling out from the abyss	i apologize to those who cry out of the depths for the minuet-record.
apologies for people catching trains for sleeping at dawn.	i apologize to those who wait in railway stations for being asleep today at five a.m.	my apologies to those in train stations for sleeping soundly at five in the morning.	i apologize to people at railway stations for sleeping at five in the morning.
pardon me, baited hope, for my sporadic laugh.	pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing from time to time.	pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing sometimes.	pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing now and again.
pardon me, deserts, for not rushing with a spoonful of water;	pardon me, deserts, that i don’t rush to you bearing a spoonful of water.	pardon me, deserts, for not rushing in with a spoonful of water.	pardon me, deserts, for not rushing up with a spoonful of water.
and you too, hawk, unchanged in years, in that self-same cage,	and you, falcon, unchanging year after year, always in the same cage,	and you, o hawk, the same bird for years in the same cage,	and you, o falcon, the same these many years, in that same cage
staring motionless, always at the self-same spot,	your gaze always fixed on the same point in space,	staring, motionless, always at the same spot,	forever staring motionless at that self-same spot,
forgive me, even if you are stuffed.	forgive me, even if it turns out you were stuffed.	absolve me even if you happen to be stuffed.	absolve me, even though you are but a stuffed bird.
apologies to the hewn tree for the four table legs.	my apologies to the felled tree for the table’s four legs.	my apologies to the tree felled for four table legs.	i apologize to the cut-down tree for the table’s four legs.
apologies to the big questions for small replies.	my apologies to great questions for small answers.	my apologies to large questions for small answers.	i apologize to big questions for small answers.
truth, don’t pay me too much attention.	truth, please don’t pay me much attention.	truth, do not pay me too much attention.	o truth, do not pay me too much heed.
seriousness — be magnanimous	dignity, please be magnanimous	solemnity, be magnanimous toward me.	o solemnity, be magnanimous unto me.
mystery of being — suffer me to pluck threads from your train.	bear with me, o mystery of existence, as i pluck the occasional thread from your train.	bear with me, o mystery of being, for pulling threads from your veil.	endure, mystery of existence, that i pluck out the threads of your train.
soul — don’t blame me for having you but rarely.	soul, don’t take offense that i’ve only got you now and then.	soul, don’t blame me that i’ve got you so seldom.	accuse me not, o soul, of possessing you but seldom.
apologies to everyone for failing to be every him or her.	my apologies to everything that i can’t be everywhere at once. my apologies to everyone that i can’t be each woman and each man.	my apologies to everything that i can’t be everywhere. my apologies to all for not knowing how to be every man and woman.	i apologize to everything that i cannot be everywhere. i apologize to everyone that i cannot be every man and woman.
i know that while i live nothing can excuse me,	i know i won’t be justified as long as i live,	i know that as long as i live nothing can excuse me,	i know that as long as i live nothing can justify me,
since i am my own impediment	since i myself stand in my own way.	since i am my own obstacle.	because i myself am an obstacle to myself.
speech — don’t blame me for borrowing big words	don’t bear me ill will, speech, that i borrow weighty words	do not hold it against me, o speech, that i borrow weighty words	take it not amiss, o speech, that i borrow weighty words
and then struggling to make them light.	then labor heavily so that they may seem light.	and then labor to make them light.	and later try hard to make them seem light.

I have lowercased everything, but that's not how it is in the originals.

This entry was originally posted at http://firecat.dreamwidth.org/791082.html, where there are comments.

Comments

[wild_irises]

So cool! Do you know if badgerbag sees your journal, or should I send her a link? She's the only poetry translator I know personally.

[firecat]

thanks! badgerbag is subscribed to my journal, but if you especially want her to see it you should probably send her a link.

[badgerbag]

Oh, this is so beautiful! If I can find one of my multiple-translations zines (14 different translators of one poem) I will put it aside for you if you like!

[badgerbag]

but not sure if I have any of them here... have this, though! (my translations/derivations)

A Study in Breaking and Entering

“Yo queria entrar en el teclado para entrar adentro de la música para tener una patria."
— Alejandra Pizarnik

I wanted to enter the typewriter to get inside music so I would have a country.
I set out to enter the typewriter so I'd become its music so I'd have a country.
I desired to penetrate the typewriter so I could l get under the skin of music in order to have a country.
I crawled up inside the typewriter to live inside music to found a country of my own.
I fucked my typewriter to curl up in its music to give birth to a country.
I longed to get inside typewriters, to be the avatar of their music, in order to create a motherland.
I yearned to become the typewriter's body to become music because I wanted a homeland.
I'd be in the typewriter for/getting in music for be/longing.
I'd go into my typewriter to dwell in music and make it my home.

[firecat]

I love this!

[badgerbag]

I am printing this out and then carefully taping it together to put on my wall...

[firecat]

I'm delighted that you like it!

[spiralsheep]

I saw this when you first posted it. Perhaps you linked it from forkedtongues? It's fascinating to see the differing priorities of literality / poetry / colloquialism.

[jinian.livejournal.com]

That's really cool, thanks. Will you cherry-pick your favorites for a meta-translation?

[firecat]

I'm not sure I can, because for a lot of lines I can't decide whether I prefer a more accurate translation or a more melodious one.

[firecat]

Here's my attempt:

Under a certain little star

my apologies to chance for calling it necessity.
my apologies to necessity if i'm mistaken, after all.
hope happiness won't be angry that i take it as my own.
may the dead forget that they scarcely smolder in my memory.
i apologize to time for the quantity of world overlooked per second.
i apologize to old loves for treating the new as the first.
forgive me, far-off wars, for bringing flowers home.
forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger.
i apologize for the minuet record, to those crying out from the abyss.
i apologize to people in railway stations for sleeping at 5 in the morning.
pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing now and then.
pardon me, deserts, for not rushing in with a spoonful of water.
and you, o hawk, unchanging year after year, always in the same cage,
forever staring motionless at the same spot,
forgive me, even if you turn out to be stuffed.
my apologies to the felled tree for the four table legs.
my apologies to big questions for small answers.
truth, do not pay me too much attention.
solemnity, be magnanimous toward me.
bear with me, o mystery of being, as i pluck threads from your train.
soul, don't blame me that i've got you so rarely.
i apologize to everything that i can't be everywhere at once.
i apologize to everyone that i can't be every man and woman.
i know that while i live nothing can justify me,
since i myself am my obstacle.
don't bear me ill will, speech, that i borrow weighty words
and then labor to make them seem light.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

nice. my favourite of the four is baránczak & cavanagh's translation, though krynski & maguire's has some lovely lines too, especially the three lines starting "and you, o falcon".

one interesting grammatical quirk: i'd bracket "my apologies for the minuet record, to those calling out from the abyss" and "i apologize to those who cry out of the depths for the minuet-record" entirely differently. i am surprised that two translators used the latter construction.

[firecat]

The line about the minuet record is part of what got me started obsessing about the different translations of "Pod jednq gwiazdkq," because I had a hard time parsing it in the first translation I read.

Overall I like baránczak & cavanagh's best, but having seen four different ones, I get the impression theirs is the least faithful to the original language. But my favorite line in all of the versions is theirs: "pardon me, deserts, for not rushing in with a spoonful of water."

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

This is a beautiful poem (no matter the translation) but it is very insightful to see them lined up like that.