Not having a good day

[firecat]

When I get stressed in certain ways then I start getting a zillion messages per minute running through my head, all of which have the words "YOU SHOULD" in them.

If this happens to you too, how do you turn it off?


(There's no emergency. I just want to fix a bunch of things that I am not in a position to fix, although I might be able to influence them.)

Comments

[owlectomy]

"That is a statement of practicality, not of morality" helps. (=As a practical matter I would be happier if my apartment was cleaner; my failure to have cleaned it this week does not make me a Bad Person. Etc.) But then, it most often happens to me when I start to treat matters that would be more practical or convenient for me as evidence that I am a Bad Person.

[firecat]

That's good. I've got the hang of that where it comes to cleaning and stuff (I switch "should" to "I want to...because...").

[saoba]

I take deep breaths. I make a list of the things I can do and figure out when I can do them, sometimes writing them on the calendar. That seems to take it off my brain's 'aieee' list and shift it to 'I have a plan'.

I sometimes take up some task that requires a sharper focus- Those hidden object games sometimes help because you have to really look at the jumbled pictures and puzzle things out. Or I listen to music while I do something like knitting, in order to take up more of my processing space.

If it's messing with my being able to relax into sleep I use a nature sounds app on my phone. I'm partial to the ocean waves with thunderstorm, because I find both those things restful in real life.

In a pinch I settle myself by trying to recreate, in my head, a piece of music. 'Spem in alium' works well because it's complex and because I find it soothing and uplifting.

[tiger_spot]

I make a list of the things I can do and figure out when I can do them, sometimes writing them on the calendar.

Yes, I find to-do lists and schedules very helpful in that kind of state. Even if whatever's running through my head isn't something I can do, writing it down often helps. Getting repetitive thoughts on paper gets them out of my head.

[zillah975]

Idk, but do you mind if I track this post? Because I could seriously use some tips in this regard too. :/

[firecat]

Oh yeah, track away. And there's a copy on LJ here:

http://firecat.livejournal.com/680233.html

[flarenut]

I go do something else, like reading or watching tv. This is not terribly effective when I actually should do something. but hey.

[firecat]

Sometimes a good way out of the state is to bring attention to bear on something else entirely.

[zeborah]

I haven't tried this exactly but I've done variations on it (eg when I'm so busy that my mental to-do list is clamouring in my head so that I can't focus on any one thing, I write them all down and suddenly my head's a lot quieter and the list's a lot shorter; also lists of pros and cons when decision making) -- so I'd try writing down each one of the things my head is saying "I should" about, and next to it write the reason why actually I needn't or shouldn't.

Once my head's unpanicky, I have a two-pronged approach to keep it that way:

1. distraction - reading, internet, tv, favourite fanvids, whatever's easy and fun
2. achievement - writing, vidding, making a website, creating a Wikipedia page, tackling the to-do list - once I've got enough mental energy to do this kind of thing it helps repair my sense of self-awesomeness. --This would be the point at which, if it happened to turn out any of those "I should"s was still true, I could actually cope with doing it.

[firecat]

That sounds like a good collection of tools to apply!

[eagle]

Similar to what a few other people have said, I write down all the things that I think I should be doing, look over the list, pick one of those items that I can do, and firmly tell myself that I can only do one thing at the same time so everything else has to wait. The options are doing one thing or doing nothing; doing two things simultaneously doesn't work.

It helps to remind myself that getting anything done is better than having my head aswirl with all the things I should be doing. Usually the best way to get multiple things done is to get one thing done. The focusing effect of doing one thing often gets me into a mental state where I can do the next thing.

[firecat]

Yeah, and in the case where a lot of the "shoulds" are vague things that one can't do (like fix someone else's pain), doing something that one can do probably helps refocus the mind.

[submarine_bells]

For me, it depends on the sort of "shoulds" in question. If it's for things that commonly fall under the headings of "socially approved messages" or "manifestations of my own insecurity" I argue with them in my head, loudly and emphatically. "You really should do X.." "No I shouldn't! That's a stupid idea. Go away!"

If it's for stuff that I really should do, like work on my thesis when I don't feel like it, I try to do what the "shoulds" are telling me, and if my attempts don't work (e.g I can't concentrate no matter how hard I try) I try to take a step back and work out why it's not working. Is it an incipient migraine causing my brain to turn to mush? Am I worried about something else that's keeping me from focussing? Am I just being slack? And then I attempt to deal with that problem directly.

In a situation like what you describe, assuming the "shoulds" pertain to the thing that I'm worried about, I try to address them usefully - if I can do something specific, I do it. If I can't, sometimes learning more about the problem under discussion is useful (hello, google and wikipedia! Also, topic spcific webforums, which can be very handy for reality-checking my reactions and experiences around the angsty subject). And sometimes there's nothing to be done, and net-research doesn't tell me anything I don't already know, so I do my best to distract myself from the worries with some LOUD AND STIMULATING DISTRACTION, like a favourite action movie with the volume up high, or perhaps a computer game that will absorb my attention and let me think about something else for a while.

[firecat]

Yes, I was all over the "how to soundproof a room" web pages yesterday morning, and later on I scanned a lot of photographs, which decidedly did not have to be done, but it was entertaining (except the part where the scanner kept randomly seizing up).

[merielle]

many people have already offered smart solutions, so i will just offer *hugs* if you want them and wishes for a better day tomorrow.

[firecat]

[hugsback]

The rest of yesterday and today have been better.

[branewurms]

I generally shut down and either go to sleep or distract myself with books or anime or something, but this is not exactly productive.

[firecat]

Going to sleep doesn't work when the should-attack occurs while I'm driving, but once I got home, I was able to employ some of those strategies.

[wired]

I write a list of things I feel need to get done, actual tasks, not amorphous categories. Then I set a "done criteria" -- if I get these three items done, I am done for the night, and I am off duty, and all those other things can just WAIT.

If I do not set a done criteria, I end up cleaning (it's almost always cleaning) until midnight, resentfully, and still feeling overwhelmed.

[firecat]

It's amazing what really doesn't need to get done, when I put my mind to that list.

[outlier_lynn]

Depends on circumstance causing the stress.

If I'm rubbing up against a deadline and it is looking like I'm not going to make it, I will go into a tight little spin of stress with ever decreasing productivity. As soon as I notice, I commit to a new deadline (letting everyone involved know about the change). That is almost always enough. Although, if I am missing the original deadline because I'm not thinking about the problem in a productive way, I need to switch to a different problem.

On the other hand, if the stress is happening because there is something I need to do (like having an uncomfortable conversation with someone) I'm procrastinating, I have to give up that there is something wrong. That always gives me an opening to handle the circumstance with grace and ease.

I'm not so consistent with giving up that something is wrong, though. :) Sometimes I really know that life should not be the way it is. When that happens I'm stuck until I get someone else to point it out to me.

I've become quite skilled at not scolding myself with shoulds. I still working on not scolding others, ;)

[firecat]

I have to give up that there is something wrong.

This really speaks to me and the situation that was causing shoulds yesterday. (Someone I love was suffering; there was nothing more I could do to help in that precise moment.)

I wish that "giving up that there is something wrong" worked permanently but it seems that for some things I have to give it up over and over again.

[snippy]

(hugs) I don't have much help to offer here, because I developed an aversion to the word "should" so long ago. But you have all the sympathy and patting that you want.

[firecat]

[hugsback]

The stupid thing is that I also have an aversion to shoulds so I have developed defenses against them, but this time they slipped past the defenses.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

I just downloaded Arctic Climate Feedbacks: Global Implications (http://assets.panda.org/downloads/wwf_arctic_feedbacks_report.pdf) (goes to download) and I'm having a hard time reading it. So I've switched to fanfic.

I sometimes have a very difficult time with the knowledge that I am powerless.

[firecat]

I sometimes have a very difficult time with the knowledge that I am powerless.

Yeah that. Or in my case, I'm not completely powerless, but what I want to change is way more than my available energy.

[eeyorerin]

I try to do something distracting, or talk back to those voices. It depends on how much energy I have.

[firecat]

I guess given that the speakers are in my own head, stomping on them would be contraindicated.

[sophy.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it's good to remind myself to stop "shoulding" on myself, you know??

[firecat]

Sometimes that works for me. In this particular bout with the shoulding, I just added "you should stop shoulding yourself" into the collection of shoulds. :P

(It's OK now.)

[elynne.livejournal.com]

I firmly distract myself. Or list out the things that I'm suppose to "should" and then figure out if I want to do any of them, and if so, do that - and tell the rest of them to stfu.

[firecat]

I have the list, and I have the habit of distraction. This time a lot of the shoulds were long term things that all depend on each other and I doubt my ability to do them and I definitely can't predict whether or to what extent I can do them.

I eventually successfully used the distraction technique. ;)

[mdlbear]

I say to myself, firmly, "You should stop shoulding yourself." The inherent paradox of it often gets me to stop long enough to step back and think about what I've been telling myself.

[firecat]

I think what was missing from this particular bout of shoulding was the ability to step back far enough to say anything to myself firmly.

(It's OK now.)

[e4q.livejournal.com]

i make a list of the things that i think i should be doing, because they are probably things i actually *should* do at some point, rather than things i *could* do, then pick the thing that will give me greatest relief to have done, or else the thing that is easiest, do it, then feel like i have REALLY ACHIEVED something, and leave the rest for another day. the list gets done eventually, i don't feel like i *should* do more than one thing from it a day, but i MIGHT!

[firecat]

I like the "do one thing a day" guideline.

On days of high distractability, it takes most of the day to pick that one thing. :P

[lorres.livejournal.com]

Ramp up the pitch of the voice until it's like chipmunks and then turn down the volume until you can't hear it anymore.

It's a sort of fun intervention.

[firecat]

That sounds worth trying! Especially if I can get a recording of the voices.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

Pick one at random and talk back to it - but calmly, not aggressively (that way lies self-hatred, which, y'know, recovering bulimic here, do not want.) Focusing on that conversation is usually enough to get rid of the other voices, and after a bit I can usually make peace with the one I've picked out, at which point I get some blessed quiet for a while.

[firecat]

That sounds like a good way into increasing concentration and compassion.

[mjlayman.livejournal.com]

I write them down and if I can't do anything, I mark them out. If I can help them, I put how next to it. (I have lots of lists -- two here on the desk of things I need to do: one for small things and one for big things.)

[firecat]

I write them down and if I can't do anything, I mark them out.

Oh, I like that! I'm gonna try it.

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

I re-read "Slowing down to the speed of life". Honestly. I'm on my 3rd time through, because just reading it calms me down and helps me recognize destructive though patterns.

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

"thought" patterns, rather...

[innerdoggie.livejournal.com]

coffee or tea helps me with that by helping me focus.

Of course, there's a limit to how much I can do that!